


A slip up

by adavice



Category: Hannibal Extended Universe - Fandom, Jagten | The Hunt (2012), The Path (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Birth, Cal doesn't like himself very much, Cal needs a hug, Drunkenness, Falling In Love, Hangover, He'll get one, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Labour, M/M, Masturbation, Mpreg, Panic Attacks, Vomiting, pregnant cal roberts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:20:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28345296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adavice/pseuds/adavice
Summary: Cal goes over to his mum's house to clean up her mess. Only problem is that he's 36  weeks pregnant and vulnerable to her encouragement of his drinking. He ends up seeking comfort from Lucas at his house.
Relationships: Lucas (Jagten)/Cal Roberts
Comments: 14
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Don't worry if you haven't seen the hunt, this is just a reimagining of what happened season 1 episode 8 when Cal gets drunk and goes to Sarah's house. All you need to know is that Lucas was wrongly accused of exposing himself to a child (I will not be mentioning the details of this in the story; this is just for context) and his friends turned against him. In this imagining he seeks out the Meyerist movement to rebuild his life and finds himself falling for Cal.

Cal was 36 weeks pregnant when he got the call from his mother’s building manager.

There’d been another fire and the neighbours were complaining about the smell. He’d made it seem like nothing on the phone, as though this was simply an inconvenience to sort out. It was a different story when he hung up though; the stapler receiving the brunt of his anger as it went flying towards the wall in his office.

He really didn’t need this, he thought with his head in his hands.

It was never a great experience getting involved in Brenda’s messes but especially not now. She didn’t know he was having a baby and he had intended to keep it that way. She was a bad influence and didn’t need to be around his little one. Plus he really didn’t fancy getting grilled about how he’d gotten knocked up, or about how big he’d gotten.

He could just not go; someone would sort her out eventually, and he could be left to deal with the movements increasingly large problems. But what kind of message would it send to his unborn son if he just abandoned her. What if one day he ended up just the same and Forrest decided it wasn’t worth his time to pick him up off the floor.

He rubbed the side of his belly and let out a sigh that sounded like he was deflating. He responsible for her, and he was strong. Besides, with his insides being pounded he’d have a constant reminder not to drink.

—————————————————————————————————————————

The short stout man was invading his personal space, staring unashamedly at the swell of his pregnancy. He felt like he could snap; he was the leader here, and yet he felt so small. As the key turned in the lock, he moved in front of the manager with as much grace as he could manage and put on a polite smile. His message was clear: thanks, but this is none of your business.

The man frowned as he snatched the key back, but walked off slowly without incident. Cal let the smile slip off his face, pushing the door open as he steeled himself for what lay inside.

The place was an utter tip. Even in the best of times it wouldn't have been pretty, with its suffocating lack of space and mustard walls, but this was a whole other level. Cans and bottles sat beside ashtrays filled with half smoked cigarettes. He may have been an alcoholic, but he never smoked, and the scent made him want to retch.

‘Let’s get this over with.’ He muttered to himself as he went in search in bin bags. Finding them under the sink he set to work with the rubbish on the counters. He knew it was going to be more difficult to repeatedly sink down to retrieve things off the floor. Maybe he could ask for her help. He scoffed at that thought before he heard a door slam and shuffling footsteps towards him.

‘Mom?’

She laughed out loud when she saw him, his Meyerist top stretched tight over his belly. It was as though she wasn’t surprised, like she’d always expected him to mess up in such a monumental way. His heart sunk as he came to the realisation that he shouldn’t have come. He could try as hard as he liked to pretend he didn’t care what Brenda thought, but at the end of the day he wanted her to have said something different. She didn’t have to ask whether he had a husband, but even a congratulations would have been enough; starved as he was. He had no other parents left; he was always going to need the warm feeling that came from knowing someone loved you unconditionally. Instead of verbalising all that he pushed it out of his mind, focussing on the task at hand.

‘This place is a mess and a fire hazard. You’re going to get kicked out.’

She clearly didn’t heed his care, dropping roughly onto the couch. As she spun the top off a bottle of brandy and took a swig, he thought about how smooth her motions were, how she’d clearly done this a hundred times before.

‘You let someone fuck you.’ She scoffed. ‘And now they’ll be another generation trapped by your little cult.’

His hand moved instinctively to protect his bump, his son wriggling beneath it.

‘We are not a cult.’ His voice wasn’t as certain as he would have liked it to be and he knew she could tell.

‘Well then what would you call people who stole a 5 year old and turned him into a freak.’

This was getting to be too much; he could feel his heartbeat throughout his entire chest and he just wanted to be out of there. Defense of the movement would be useless if its leader had a breakdown in a dingy apartment.

‘I don’t want to talk about this, let’s just get this place cleaned up. Can you give me a hand?’

‘Come sit.’ She gestured towards the armchair. ‘I know how hard it is to stand when you’re this far along.’

It was just her way of reminding him that he owed her his life and he would have declined had his feet not been putting up such a stink. Resigned he lowered the bag and wandered over to the seat. He had to place a hand under his belly now to ease himself down, breathing out slowly as he did so. He hated how weak it made him seem but it was that or face the wrath of his back later on.

‘Have a drink with me.’ She pushed forward a cup, the brandy swishing around in it.

Cal gritted his jaw, regretting his choice almost immediately.

‘I don’t drink. Especially not now.’

She lifted her eyebrows. ‘That’s not what I remember happening the last time you were here. Besides it’ll help you relax, stop you thinking about all the ways you’ll fail as a father. I’m assuming there isn’t anyone else in the picture.’

The itch was getting stronger and stronger.

‘I won’t fail; the light is with me.’

She rolled her eyes, ‘Every parent thinks that, and every parent fails. Might as well start now.’

The drink moved closer.

He swallowed thickly, Forrest pushing against the hand that still rested there, the other having reached forwards. He rubbed circles over his stomach as a way of apology as he downed the glass.

——————————————————————————————————————————

He stumbled out of the car, head swimming. He slumped down on the chair on the veranda, struggling to keep his eyes open as he finished the bottle. Now he wasn’t driving, he could down as much drink as he wanted.

He’d thought about his mother’s words the whole way home; how he was alone, and how badly he didn’t want to be. In short order that had morphed into thoughts of Lucas, the one who stuck by him even as he gave nothing in return, the only one who didn’t seem to gossip about the source of his condition. He’d been to Lucas’ house a few times, enough to guide himself there without getting lost.

The sound of a screen door banging forced his eyes open and through his haze he could see Lucas moving speedily towards him. Was he concerned or annoyed, he couldn’t tell. Hell, he could barely keep his eyes open.

‘Cal? Jesus, what did you do?’

Lucas had sat himself down beside his inebriated leader and placed a hand on his thigh. It was an effort to comfort but when Cal noticed it he leant over and in a wide swooping motion attempted to push his lips onto Lucas’. His belly pressed firmly into Lucas’ arm and he almost toppled over as Lucas moved to avoid the oncoming kiss. In any other circumstance he would have loved to accept it, intertwining their tongues, teasing his lips with his teeth, but he couldn’t. He wanted Cal so badly, but he cared enough not to take advantage. He’d probably forget in the morning anyway, another person to disappoint him.

He gently but firmly placed his palm in the middle of Cal’s chest to right him. Though there weren’t tears in them, his eyes were so sad. He knew that sadness, that feeling of being hurt by the ones closest to you. Over dinner a couple of weeks ago he’d mentioned Brenda (though not the drinking problem he clearly had) and Lucas could tell that their relationship caused him more pain than he let on.

‘What happened Cal?’ He asked more gently this time.

Cal avoided his eyes, turning his gaze downwards.

‘Mmmm’, he pawed at his middle. ‘I’m really fucking fat.’ *hic*

Lucas had heard stuff like that before from his wife and friends but somehow this admission felt worse coming from a man he’d always seen as strong, unbreakable. He didn’t know how he hadn’t seen the full extent of his damage until now but he knew that he needed to vent so made no move to stop him.

‘It feels like I’m carrying around a bowling ball and there’s sooo much pressure down here.’ He gestured vaguely towards his lower abdomen. ‘All I want to do it sleep but everyone always needs me. Do this Cal, bless this tree Cal, and they don’t know….’

Lucas regarded him with sympathy, ‘Don’t know what?’ He resisted the urge to add ‘sweetheart’ on the end.

Cal looked up at him with watery eyes, ‘That I’m so scared, because I’m an alcoholic *sniff* salesman. A fat alcoholic salesman.’

How Lucas wished that he could tell him how wrong he was, how handsome he was, how he’d saved him from madness, from giving up. But all he could say was that it wasn’t true as he helped him to his feet.

He wobbled as they stood and walked to the spare room. Several times he almost tripped and on one occasion Lucas put out a hand to catch him, only for it to land right in the middle of his stomach. On none of their many evenings together had Cal invited him to feel his child, and now Lucas let his hand linger a moment longer than perhaps he should have, only removing it when Cal slurred, ‘That’s feet.’

———————————————————————————————————————————-

He could feel the rise of bile in his throat, stomach clenching. He tried to choke it down and let it pass, rolling over to note that the clock said 3:16. When Forrest kicked him in the ribs, he knew no matter how hard he tried, he was fighting a losing battle. He moved as fast as he can to the bathroom, throwing the door open and kneeling in front of the toilet bowl. He gagged noisily, vomit rushing out of his mouth, the acrid taste of bile filling his senses. Lucas rushed into the room, awoken by the noise of the door banging against the wall. He knelt beside him, stroking his back as his whole body tensed. His shirt was damp with sweat and had ridden up slightly at the front, revealing a small sliver of taut skin.

‘It’s ok, let it out.’

Just when Lucas would think it was over, another wave of nausea would roll over Cal, until all that was left was spit and bile. He was so tired, he could barely move. But Lucas didn’t mind, retrieving a glass of water to wash his mouth out with, peeling him off the seat and pulling him into his arms before flushing the toilet.

Cal didn’t seem to mind their newfound closeness, letting himself go limp against Lucas’ body. For a while they rested there, Cal in between Lucas' legs, both their hands resting on the mound resting in Cal's lap. It felt almost normal, until Lucas felt his chest begin to shake. He craned his neck around to look at Cal's face. It was contorted and almost painful to look at, tears streaming down his face.

‘I can’t believe that I did this. I can see him, I can feel him, and I still did it.’ He said in between gasps.

‘Oh elskar.’ Lucas trusted he wouldn't know what that meant. 'This isn’t your fault; Brenda knows exactly how to push your buttons.’

‘I shouldn’t be like this.' The words wanted to flow out of his mouth at the same he felt like he was being choked. 'She was right; I'll fail and hurt him.'

Suddenly Lucas was mad on Cal's behalf; he knew what it was to be told you weren't a good father, when that was the furthest thing from the truth. He took his hand and squeezed it.

'Listen to me. This boy is overflowing with the light, and he gets that from you. You had a slip up, you know that. But next time something hurts this badly, you can come here. You can unburden to me, because I believe in you. You saved me; not some charlatan, and if I have to hide every bottle of booze until you are ready I will do that. '

Lucas couldn't believe he'd just said that, all that he could hope was that Cal was still drunk enough to forget that exact details of his words tomorrow.

'You mean you believe in the movement.' Cal whispered.

Screw it, he meant what he said, and Cal needed to know it.

'I believe in _you_.'

Cal had no response to that, even if he didn't believe for a second it could be true. Instead he just leaned back and waited for sleep to wash over him, Lucas providing a willing pillow. 


	2. There's got to be a morning after

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal wakes up and Lucas isn't around. He's hungover and a bit morose but has a nice dream about the first time they met. (The chapter title is a song featured in AHS apocalypse if anyone cares!)

The next morning Cal’s head was pounding. He must still have been slightly drunk last night, because though he remembered Lucas coming to him in the bathroom, he didn’t remember howhe got back into bed. He was curled up in on himself, whether in an effort to subconsciously protect Forest, or to calm his still swirling stomach he couldn’t tell, but he felt stiff enough to suggest he’d been in that position for some time. His eyes felt sticky and he groaned as he tilted his head up to look at the time. Every movement seemed to force the pressure in his skull higher and higher. A note on the bedside table drew his attention before the clock and after a few blinks he was able to read it. 

‘Good morning Cal, I’ve gone to do a couple of hours at the vegetable plot. I figured you’d need to sleep for a while but when you do wake up I’ve left you some Tylenol and water. Lucas.’ 

His handwriting was neat and rounded; evidence of a man who was used to taking his time. What it indicated about his personality, Cal couldn’t say but it still made something flutter within him to see his name written in his hand. 

Had he been able to see Lucas working on it that morning, he would have seen that earlier iterations included the line, ‘I’ll be back for lunch at 1.’ but that had felt far too presumptive on his part. Cal didn’t seem the type to open up easily, no matter the tears he’d spilled on Lucas’ shoulder last night, and he suspected that he would be gone before then anyway. 

Cal slapped his arm over onto the wood to reach for the bottle and popped 2 into his palm, grateful for the relief he was about to be provided with. He started to prop himself up on an elbow to take the water when he remembered how hard that was to do in his current state; strength training not being of much help when there is something the side of a basketball attached to your middle. 

‘Fuck.’ He murmured, more dejected than angry. 

He’d never been pregnant and hungover before. He’d also never been the leader of the movement and hungover before. 

‘Fuck.’ he repeated as he deposited the tablets back onto the wood and ran a hand over his face and across his cropped hair. 

He racked his brain, trying to think about what needed to be dealt with urgently, because there was _always_ something. He still needed to figure out what to do about the final rungs of the ladder, as so far, all the praying in the world hadn’t illuminated his path any further.

Doubt and anxiety curled in the pit of his stomach, extending their tendrils like some kind of creature determined to trap him, suck away all of the hope he’d ever had. If the Light hadn’t wanted him to succeed Steve why then, hadn't it pushed someone else forward? Why had it left him in the perfect position to be the next? Much as he relished pushing Meyerism forward in the direction that he felt correct, being looked up to and _listened_ to, as soon as he was off the stage, as soon as people stopped nodding their heads at him mindlessly, the black thing inside him brought those thoughts back. 

He was however, very good at compartmentalisation, and right now this wasn’t a fruitful train of thought. Plus, he doubted that some great spiritual revelation was about to happen when he felt like garbage sludge left out in the sun. 

He braced himself and slowly pushed up to sitting, belly resting heavily in his lap. He sighed as he stroked down along it, ‘You’ll be alright won’t you?’ 

He hadn't felt Forest wake yet, and though that wasn’t unusual, it did nothing to comfort his nerves and fear that he’d done something permanent to his son. He seemed to recall Lucas saying something last night about it being ok but he couldn’t recall exactly what he’d said. His tone had been calming and sure though, so whilst his words were unable to fill him with confidence right now, his presence at the time had been. Cal wasn’t weedy, exercise being a good way to calm his mind and help with his constant fear of attack (of what he wasn’t sure), but in Lucas’ arms he felt so small. So held. He remembered this now as he reached again for the water and drugs, instead of worrying about what he might have said when he felt so safe and uninhibited in that embrace. 

Good he was so thirsty, he thought as he sipped at the water. His skin felt dry and mouth thick with saliva, and he would have had the whole thing if he weren’t so concerned about avoiding a repeat of last night’s trip to the bathroom.

It would have been bad enough if he’d gone to Sarah’s; at least she knew of his demons and was too busy with her failing marriage to Eddie to linger too long on the implications of a spiralling ( _interim_ ) leader. 

A slight smile ghosted across his lips. For all the talk of wanting the best for those he guided, he couldn't help but take some pleasure in the pain of Eddie Lane. He continued to be a thorn in Cal’s side and he got the sense that there was something he was keeping from him. He would wait and watch and press, because the truth would out, and the only home he and so many others had known would be protected. The home his son would come to know would be safe, because even if he failed as a father, the community would look after the boy. He rested his head back on the headboard and considered _his_ truth. At his very core he was a reckless, egotistical, alcoholic, who risked the perception of Meyerism because he fancied the first person who was kind to him. 

Great, another track that leads straight to the morose, he thought as he held his belly and stared at the ceiling. At that moment Forest stretched languidly inside him, and Cal moved to look at the movement caused by his feet. 

‘Good morning.’ He said, grinning in relief. 

Much as he was glad to feel Forest moving, it made his stomach lurch. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, letting the feeling ebb and fade. Everything could wait for a few hours, he reasoned as he let himself relax and sink back into the warm nest of the sheets, slipping into unconsciousness fast and easy. 

His dreams were pleasant; filled with thoughts of the first time that he’d met Lucas. He’d had no expectations about what he would be like beyond that he had some trust issues. There had been concern about whether his trauma rendered him unreachable, that his path to the garden was obscured by his anger. Though it was fairly uncommon practice, the council had decided an ODE, administered by Cal, was required to determine his propensity for change. 

When he’d entered the room however, he’d instantly taken a shine to him that felt different, even if it was just physical. Sure, his clothes weren't flattering, the browns and greens of hunting clothes, and his glasses weren’t anything fancy, but he was tall and lean. His skin carried the tan that one got from spending their time outdoors, his cheekbones were set high and proud in his face and his straight brown hair framed deep set auburn eyes. Cal had started to show by that point and was used to eyes settling on his middle. Male pregnancy wasn’t all that common and Cal wasn’t necessarily the type you’d pin as carrying. He had an air of stoicism about him and carried himself as though he valued being the dominant one. But though Lucas took his entirety in, his eyes rested on Cal’s own. Perhaps he hasn’t noticed, Cal thought, but he will do when I sit down; I look like someone’s let me loose on the doughnuts. 

‘Lucas.’ Cal greeted him, ‘I’m Cal and I’ll be asking you some questions today. We need to get you attached to these monitors so, if you could remove your shirt that would be a great help.’ 

'A great help? Christ Cal, if he'd said I can't do it would you have offered?'

Lucas said nothing but set about undoing the buttons nonetheless, his hands shaking slightly. Cal didn’t blame him, he could cut an imposing figure when he wanted to, and he’d made no move to sit. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel a redistribution of blood when he saw Lucas’ bare chest, but he attempted to remain professional as he pressed on the electrodes, not allowing his hands to linger or to get a feel of whether the skin was as soft as it looked. 

Only when he sat did Lucas say anything, and defying Cal’s expectations it wasn’t about the protrusion of his middle. 

‘So this decides whether I get to stay?’ 

‘It’s just one of the tools we use to use to determine how compatible you are for our way of life.’ 

Lucas’ heart rate rose at that to 95 bpm and Cal felt the urge to guide him, calm him. 

‘Just be as open as possible, and say the first thing that you truly think.’ 

‘Counterintuitive.’ Lucas nervously laughed. 

‘To the outside maybe, be we value honesty above all else here.’ Cal said, not unkindly. 

As he ran through the question on the list, it became clear that Lucas wasn’t just good looking, he was a kind, good man. Though Cal couldn’t remember his exact answers, he had been left with the feeling that although Lucas was deeply wounded by what had happened to him, that he could still love and care. And that in some ways joining Meyerism was about trying to actively start doing that. 

He'd known when they were halfway through that he should stay. Cal had met many damaged people in his time, but this one felt different, like there was something in him that could feel what Cal felt. That wasn't a criteria for fitting in of course, and he wouldn't mention it to the others, but he passed with flying colours on every other aspect of the test so there was no need to hide anything from anyone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, I've got a bunch more of it written down but I couldn't work through some patches here so had to come back to them. It's also got a lot longer than originally intended so I'll probably have to add some tags! But eventually we are going to get these fools together and in love with a baby!


	3. Fantasies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarah phones and Cal has a ~nice~ shower.

He awoke a couple of hours later to his phone buzzing as Sarah called him. Time to get up then. 

‘Hello?’

‘Hi Cal, I just thought you should know that Nicole’s gone into labour, though I think we have some time yet.’ 

He rubbed his eyes, trying to take in the information, given without any preamble, and come up with a response beyond ‘ok’. 

Lucas would likely be returning home soon and though part of him wanted to see him, drink some tea, eat something, let himself be held, he was sure that he was only projecting his feelings. Besides he was a broken, scarred man, Cal had heard the tapes, that needed to heal, not become a caregiver. 

‘I’ll head over now.’

‘You don’t have….’

‘No.’ He said firmly, ‘I’d like to be there, to help.’

There was a pause on the other end of the line; Sarah wasn’t convinced. 

‘Alright.’ She acquiesced ‘I’ll see you soon.’ 

He hung up and swung his legs over the side of the bed, sure he could hear his hips creaking with the strain. He knew it would only get worse as the day wore on. More than once it had left him bemoaning the lack of a bath in his cabin, when he’d had to settle for moving a hot water bottle from side to side when his skin began to tingle with heat. 

He rose and walked towards the door, catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror as he did so. He’d have to stop by the cabin to shower and change; his eyes were bloodshot and there were stains down his top. He tilted his head down and inhaled deeply, crinkling his nose when he smelt the potent mix of stale booze, sweat, and vomit. His only saving grace at this point was that because his hair was so short it was still in place. He just hoped that Lucas wasn’t home so that he wouldn't see him like this. 

There was no one downstairs, no coffee brewing, no toast, so far, so like any other hungover day. He paused in the hallway before opening the door to leave, allowing himself to daydream of things he’d never had. 

What if they could have a child together, would Lucas be bothered by the mess toddlers leave in their wake? Would Cal? What music would Lucas want to introduce the kids to? He pictured them curled up together, exhausted after putting the kids to bed, Cal’s head tucked beneath Lucas’ chin. He wasn’t a weedy man; exercise helping calm his mind, and helping with his almost constant fear of attack (though he wasn’t sure of what), but in Lucas’ arms he felt so small, so enveloped in safety. 

All the way home Forest made it perfectly clear that he was now awake, wriggling and kicking at his ribs. Cal was sure from the pressure in the bowl of his pelvis that he was moving downwards but he still seemed to have an incredibly long reach; almost leaving bruises at the bottom of his thorax. Though it didn’t do much good he brought his hand up to rub at the crest of his belly, hoping for some kind of relief. He was infinitely glad that he had been able to find his car keys, least he have to take an Uber home. Usually the looks he got either made him seem like the 8th wonder of the world, or some meek little thing in need of protection. If he stopped to think about why that made him mad, he might have stumbled upon the realisation that protection in the past had always lead to something more sinister. It was unsafe for him to want such things, even if he desperately needed them.

Opening the door to his cabin he resisted the urge to drop down onto the couch and sleep, instead heading straight for the shower. 

The hot water felt like heaven, though he couldn’t turn it up as high as he wanted, in case he fainted (again). He hadn’t realised up until then how much tension he’d been carrying, and not just physically. The feelings of embarrassment and shame from last night washed down the drain and were replaced by the memory of Lucas running a cool washcloth over his face. His face hadn’t contained sympathy, but empathy; he knew what it was to feel this way. To feel such abject misery that you’d try anything to make it go away. It wasn’t a sexual memory but Cal found himself reacting that way nonetheless. He told himself, as he slipped his hand down to find his cock, that it was simply pregnancy hormones, that Forest was pressing on his prostate, but it didn’t stop him from imagining that it was Lucas’ hand wrapped around him. He shuddered, bracing a hand against the wall of the shower, his fingers curling, wishing they had something to dig into. It was difficult to angle himself and his arm began to ache as he tugged as his dick, but the warm wetness of the water helped him to imagine that Lucas had slid down to take it in his mouth. He ran a thumb over the slit and in a circle, lost in the fantasy that it was his tongue as he bounced back up, only to swallow it back down almost impossibly far. He didn’t pause, didn’t change the rhythm of his strokes after that, desperately chasing release. When it came he had to use all the cognition he had left to prevent himself from collapsing on the floor. He could have curled up there forever, but he knew that practicality demanded he didn’t, and he’d soon be disgusted with himself. 

‘At least jerking off doesn’t get you pregnant.’ He lamented as he stepped out and set about the task of drying off. He was grateful for the flexibility that compound yoga classes had given him, else he might have been reminded every time he washed of how he really should have someone around to help him towel himself. 

———————————————————————————————————————————

He decided to walk to Nicole’s house; it wasn’t far and he could really do with the exercise he thought, patting his belly. He’d joked about that a couple of times at gatherings but no matter how many times he’d been told that it was normal to gain weight during pregnancy, he still didn’t enjoy how he’d softened. It also didn’t help that he’d never properly opened up about it with anyone. He encouraged everyone around him to unburden, to walk straight through their pain and out the other side, but he didn’t practice what he preached. Maybe about little things, but not about this. He’d been drunk when he’d gotten knocked up, didn’t even remember who it was that had done the deed. All he could recall was that they had been an IS. They’d both been hammered but he more so, and though he normally topped, he’d only been able to lie back and spread his legs. He’d almost managed to forget it completely when he started to feel sick all. the. time. He had to give up eating in the cafeteria because the smells made him want to retch. It took him longer than he cared to admit to realise what was happening, and it was only when Nicole had started talking about her experience of early pregnancy with this one that it fully clicked. It would have been far simpler, with everything going on in his life, to have had an abortion but he had always wanted to be a father. He loved blessing every child that was born, loved being the one that people handed their little ones to to keep them entertained or quiet. Also, rather selfishly, he wondered if this baby would make him feel whole again, not just the empty shell of a person that the was. 

That he wasn’t ready to admit to anyone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a bit shorter but the next one is longer, promise! Lucas and Cal will finally have a sober interaction, can you believe it?!


	4. What we want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicole's birth makes Cal consider what he'd like to do for his own and he goes for dinner afterwards at Lucas' house.

Sarah opened the door to him at Nicole’s house, smiling weakly and leading him through nearer to the living room. She spoke in hushed tones, not wanting to disturb the energy of the place. 

‘She’s still chatting in between them, but this is her fifth baby so I suppose anything could happen.’ 

‘Mmm.’ 

She eyed his swollen middle. 

‘Are you sure you want to stay the whole time? It might not be… comfortable.’ She had a look on her face that made his heart race and anger pool in his guts. 

‘I’m not dying Sarah.’ He said, and just to emphasise his place in the chain of command, ‘I have the closest connection to the Light of anyone here. That would seem to me to be of value.’ 

He didn’t wait for her reply, striding into the room to where Nicole was reclined in the pool. As much as to steady himself as anything else, he closed his eyes and extended his arms out to his side, palms facing towards the sky. He’d never actually been in the room when someone was labouring and being so close to it himself he felt slightly overwhelmed. He didn’t know what to expect, or how to behave, so he figured the best thing to do would be just to take a minute and ask the Light for strength, though for himself or Nicole he wasn’t sure. Soon though he began to feel a tingling in the tips of his fingers which radiated to his chest. It felt warm and whole and bright and was followed shortly after by the sound of Nicole moaning. In that moment it dawned on him that he was feeling the energy of a contraction and he wanted to see whether his experience of it was reflected in her. He opened his eyes to take in the scene before him. Though he could tell from her face that it hurt, he didn’t see suffering. She was strong and powerful in that moment, not fighting a thing, moving with her instincts. It still terrified him; how intense it seemed to be, but when it was over she saw him and smiled, greeting him with the strength she had left. 

‘Cal. You came.’ She extended a hand, inviting him over. 

He gladly accepted her hand, stroking a hand over her hair, hoping it would relax her. They might have said something to each other but their thoughts were interrupted shortly after by the clatter of children outside the room. Nicole dropped her hand, shooting daggers at Russell. 

‘Can you shut them up.’

He moved like a man under threat of death, not needing to be told twice to silence his unruly brood. 

Nicole turned back to face him and gave him a small smile which he returned in kind, ‘I’m glad you’re here.’ 

Knowing the floor would wreak havoc on his back, and needing a little distance between himself and Nicole’s increasing vocalisations, he went to sit in the kitchen adjoining the living room. He wasn’t afraid of them but each one served to put a little more pressure inside his skull, intensifying his headache. Instead of letting himself be pulled into the waiting darkness he focused on how Forest kicked at particularly strong contractions, as though he knew soon this would be their’s to share. 

He watched as Nicole was supported through her labour by her family, each one serving to prop her up when she felt like she couldn’t go on. It warmed his heart but made him worry about what kind of support he’d have when it came his time. He hadn’t really thought about a birth plan, assuming that he’d have a home birth like most everyone in the community, but nothing else had been thought through. Of course Sarah and her family would be there along with the community’s doctor, but that was only because he didn’t have anyone else. The love he saw surrounding Nicole made him question whether he shouldn’t just go into some IS hospital to have an epidural. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to work through the pain without what she had. Maybe it was better to be unknown by those caring for him. 

His worries were interrupted by Gaby coming in to fetch a drink for her daughter in law. 

‘That’ll be you soon.’ She placed a warm, knotted hand on his belly uninvited. 

‘Are you excited?’

He shrugged, unsure of what he should say. ‘To meet my son.’ 

She laughed, though not at him. ‘I know what you mean. I won’t lie to you; it’s the most intense thing you’ll ever experience but it’s worth it in the end.’ She leaned in to speak directly to his bump and he didn’t stop her. He’d been in the movement since he was 5; she’d seen him grow up, he’d spent many hours playing with and then fawning over Sarah, so in a way she was like a mother to him. It felt nice that the day after he’d being ragged on by Brenda, that a maternal figure in his life was excited about the impending arrival. 

‘Just be kind to your dad, ok?’

Despite himself he laughed; if anyone could convince Forest to play ball it would be Gaby. She moved her hand to his upper back and gave a soothing rub. 

‘We could do some acupuncture and chiropractic if you liked? Set everything up nicely for the big day.’

He nodded enthusiastically, feeling slightly more that there was love on offer to him, and that he could accept it.

Gaby seemed pleased with that response, ‘Good. Well, I best get back to it.’ She thumbed back at the living room, where Nicole had moved to rest her face on the side of the pool, completely devoid of care for what she looked like.

——————————————————————————————————————

He left the house sore and achy, having at some point taken a seat next to the pool in order to bless the infant. Despite his physical complaints he still felt like he was floating above cloud nine, and needed to share with someone. 

The thing about Cal was that when he wanted something he simply went and did it. It was only later that guilt and regret would set in. So he didn’t hesitate when he knocked on the door, and he wasn’t anxious when Lucas opened it. He looked surprised but not disappointed, inviting him in before he’d even said what he was doing there. It was only when he saw the house was empty that he realised that Lucas might have had company. It hadn’t occurred to him because he hadn't wanted to contemplate not being able to spend the evening with him. 

‘I’ve come from Russell’s house, they had their baby and apparently too much lasagne.’ He thrust forward the bag in his hand. ‘It’s too much for me to eat on my own.’ 

They both new it was a pathetic excuse, but carried on the pretence nonetheless. 

‘Thanks. I was just thinking about what to have actually.’ From the outside they looked like two lovestruck teenagers, their eyes never settling long in one place, hands twitchy and constantly on the move. Yet still they stayed a beat too long in the hall, like a question of where to go next hung between them, both of them daring the other to say, ‘Fuck it, let’s screw.’ 

As it was, the next beat ended with them walking to the kitchen, where Lucas started to portion out the dish. Cal’s options for situating himself were pretty limited; the dining room was far away enough that he felt he shouldn’t go uninvited but the bar stools at the kitchen island would definitely provide a challenge to get up into. He was glad that Lucas had his back to him, else he was sure he’d see the cogs whirring behind his eyes.

‘Do you want something to drink? I’ve got elderflower cordial, water, juice…’

‘Just water thanks, anything acidic isn’t great for the heartburn.’ 

‘Oh I remember that.’ Though it had been almost two decades since his wife had been pregnant, the comment was laced with sadness, bitter regrets about what had come to pass between them. It was clearly meant to be taken as lighthearted Cal couldn’t resist poking around there. 

‘Do you miss them?’ He was trying not to sound insensitive; years of working within Meyerism had taught him that you catch more flies with honey, so he followed up with, ‘Denmark?’ 

Lucas paused almost imperceptibly, wondering how much of himself to give. It wasn’t that he was ashamed of crying in front of Cal; he didn’t share the man’s aversion to overt emotion, but rather that he’d buried those feelings deep. He was always ready to unburden and talk in the comfort of the therapy room with Sarah as his guide but it was exhausting work. Lucas worried that here, his thoughts would run rampant, and he wasn’t really in the mood. That being said, the first time he’d met Cal, he’d impressed upon him the importance of honesty. Perhaps a middle way was best. 

‘I think I’ll be getting used to the cultural differences for some time and it would be nice to get lingonberry jam outside of an Ikea but I’m glad I’m here.’ Realising he’d avoided the real point of the question, he added, ‘Yeah, of course I miss my son. But…’ He took a breath, trying not to get overly emotional. ‘He’s old enough to get on a plane himself, and he understands why I had to go.’ 

Cal walked over to him, placing a steady hand on his shoulder, unsure of whether he was in friend or leader mode. ‘I hope he’s able to visit and see how wonderful this place is for you. I’d love to meet him.’ 

Lucas smiled, right up to his eyes, nodding, ‘He’s a good kid.’ 

The microwave beeped and Lucas handed the glasses over to Cal. ‘Would you mind taking these through to the dining room?’ 

‘Sure, you need a hand with anything else?’

‘It’s alright, take a ‘load off’. That’s the expression right?’

Cal liked it when he asked questions like that, because he could tell that whilst Lucas wanted to learn, he didn’t mind if he got things wrong. It was endearing and so alien to his attitude. 

He was glad to be sitting; he’d only been in the house for 15 or so minutes but already he was feeling the effects of gravity. What he really wanted to do was extend himself out but he was sure that a good conversation partner would be enough to make him forget that urge. The smell of the food wafted into the room, dancing in front of him and into his olfaction, like some kind of tease. It seemed to him some kind of sick joke that now that he was more hungry than he’d ever been, he had very little space with which to indulge that desire. 

Lucas placed the plate in front of him and sat beside him, seemingly choosing proximity over being able to see each other with ease. He wasn’t awkward about it at all though, launching straight into conversation.

‘So how was it, the birth I mean?’

Cal paused.

‘Well, maybe that’s not dinner table talk.’ There it was again, that relaxed attitude to his words.almost as if he was saying, don’t worry, it’s not the end of the world; we can find something else to talk about. He wasn’t blind to the responses of others though, not barrelling through dialogue with complete disregard to the feelings of those around him. Cal knew he wasn’t always like this; a year of hell in his hometown had made him more cautious around others than he had been previously, and he was someone that didn’t fully blossom in the presence of others until he got comfortable with you. 

Cal always had to be so carefully considered about his words, even when he joked and laughed with the others, he was constantly analysing their responses for anything that might threaten the movement. Anything _he_ might say which would reveal his secret. As he looked at Lucas tucking in to his lasagne, he found himself thinking how much nicer life would be if he didn't have to do that with _everyone,_ even if it was just one person. 

‘No, no.’ He reassured. ‘I was just trying to think about what I actually thought.’

Lucas picked up a forkful of pasta, tilting his head to indicate he should continue. 

‘Nicole did wonderfully, really amazing really.’

‘Really?’ Lucas teased, and Cal resisted the urge to punch him playfully in the arm. 

_You never do that._

‘Yeah, well it looked tough but, when it happened it was just so beautiful. The baby didn’t cry right away but I knew it was going to be alright. Sarah was there and, the Light, the Light it just’ He held his hands in front of his chest like he was clutching at a ball. The words seemed to be abandoning him and all he could express was the shape of what he felt in that moment. 

‘It held you.’ 

Cal frowned, Lucas had taken the words right out of his mouth. 

‘Exactly.’ 

‘I wish I’d had that when Marcus was born; I was scared shitless! His mum was squeezing the life out of my hand for hours and hours and then the end bit is so fast. I can be reasonably confident that the first thing he heard was nothing near as calm as the blessing.’

He considered telling him how it was almost Sarah that had to say the blessing, as his hands shook around that tiny wet body, but he spent a millisecond too long contemplating it. 

‘Speaking of, who’ll say it when Forest is born?’

‘Sarah probably, I think I’ll be slightly preoccupied.’

‘Does she come to all the births?’

‘No, I’ve just known her a long time and she’s the closest thing to family that I have.’ He didn’t say to it elicit sympathy, he was just stating fact.

Lucas continued chewing his mouthful and pushed up his glasses while he searched for a response to that. 

‘Not Steve?’

Cal’s mouth went dry, clothes suddenly seeming too tight around his neck. _Calm. Be Calm._ He’d lied about what Steve was doing many times before, all he had to do was imagine what he _wished_ Steve was doing. Picture the man deep in meditation, bathed in the warm glow of the Peruvian Sun, receiving the last rungs of the ladder, and it was enough to make anyone believe. The thought he needed to banish was that of the hospital bed, where wires and tubes snaked out of his body. Think of _that_ and… well, put it this way, as Cal has told the children many times, he can’t act. He gets by on half truths because in that split second of time he believes them to be true. He desperately wanted to tell Lucas, to feel how good it would be to bare his soul to, to have someone to trust. He looked away, pushing his food about his plate, the words ready in his mouth. But when he met his eye, there was the facade, protecting him and all he loved, even as it shattered him inside.

‘He’s very excited, wishes he could be here. He told me, ‘Cal, the greatest gift is fatherhood. When you came into my life’ His eyes were dewy thinking about how it would feel if this were true. ‘I knew that you would bring me joy, comparable only to the Garden.’’ He worried at his bottom lip, biting at some dry skin there. He wanted to hide, to cover his face even just a little, but that urge had been so trained out of him that even if he wanted to, his arms would rebel at the command. ‘But.’ He shrugged his shoulders, ‘The Light is unconcerned by something so trivial as a due date.’ 

The older man was overwhelmed by feeling, looking at his face. He looked grey and sapped of vigour, as though he was too small for the adult suit he wore. Lucas could only see a small and lonely child in that moment, but to due to the lie, he believed it was of a temporary loss, one that could be fixed by a cheerful platitude. And in that moment it was all he had to give. 

‘If there’s one thing that Meyerism has taught me, it’s that we can choose the family we want, so you won’t be without them on the day.’ 

Cal grinned, ‘We’ll have you out on the street corner in no time.’ He was thankful he didn’t have to sell that tale to someone who had been around longer. Steve always said, in fact, that children got in the way of leadership. Every time he thought of that it burned at him like acid, leaving him a little more worn, giving him just a little more blame for any of Steve’s faults. 

They went quiet for a time, finishing their dinner, pretending to get lost in the delights of their tastebuds but instead each analysing their every word, as newly courting couples might. 

‘Remind me how long it’s supposed to be now?’ Lucas knew the answer to that full well, but the air in the room had become stale and he longed not to let the conversation end, drifted out to the middle of nowhere, lost of all connection to anything meaningful between them. With that aim in mind, he wanted to curse himself for his not really having contributed anything towards that goal, but it was a start at least. With their plates clear, they’d been sitting in silence for a couple of seconds too long, neither wanting to leave, nor be confident enough to make a move. Maybe, Lucas thought, one more question might give him time to build up the resolve. 

‘Just under 4 weeks.’ 

‘The home stretch!’ Lucas said, genuinely excited, his cheeks turning a delicious shade of pink. 

‘Well I hope it’s closer to 4 and not 6! I really can’t imagine myself getting bigger.’ He rested a hand near the base of his tummy where it rested just above his lap and exhaled sharply through his nose, a half hearted laugh. ‘I already feel enormous.’ 

Lucas found his hand moving towards Cal’s, as though he was powerless to stop it. 

‘I think you look amazing.’ 

Cal’s brow furrowed, and Lucas half expected him to pull away. He let his hand rest there for what seemed like forever, just willing fate to let something happen. He let Lucas turn to face him fully in his chair, and felt himself doing the same. The outside of Cal’s knees brushing against the inside of Lucas’ thigh. 

‘Really?’ He asked earnestly. 

Lucas slid his hand down so that both of them smoothed along the top of the pregnant man’s thighs. They rested at near the crease of his legs, mere inches away from crossing over into a very different kind of relationship. The temperature in the room seemed to have risen considerably but both men knew that what they would share that night wouldn’t be quick and dirty. Lucas felt arousal pool in his loins at the thought of exploring every inch of his body, lingering on the spots that made Cal keen and whimper. They both started the slow, determined slide towards each other, Cal’s knee eventually pressing into Lucas’ groin. He could feel the growing hardness there and shivered with anticipation. Their faces were close enough to touch now, sharing the same air. 

‘Really.’ 

Their noses brushed, lips parted and then Cal stopped. 

This was all too much. He _wanted_ this too much. 

Sex he could handle, but romance felt unsafe, like stepping onto an iced over lake. Falling was easy, but pulling yourself out was far too daunting a prospect. He was vulnerable; hormones running amuck, desperately concerned about the state of his body, and in possession of far too many secrets. Who was he kidding, he’d looked in a mirror; either Lucas had some kind of pregnancy kink or he was delusional. He didn’t sense a lie, but even that would have preferable, familiar territory. 

No wanting to offend, he carefully retreated, acting as though nothing had happened. 

‘Thank you for the lovely evening, but I really should be getting back.’ 

It was so cold, so professional it killed any hope of convincing him to change his mind. 

Lucas gathered himself quickly, standing to see him out, but even that he declined; assuring him with a smile so strained it bordered on a grimace, that he’d manage to find the door. 

‘See you at gathering.’ Was all that the dane managed to say before he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cal really needs to learn to open up. Much as I would like him to do that now, I think after that many years of repression he'd have a tough time.


	5. Control and lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal tries to ignore what happened between him and Lucas but when he gets a call from Silas it's difficult to keep everything in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> N.B. There is some discussion in this chapter about how Cal feels about Steve. He still isn't sure what he's done but he knows there is something (we aren't ever going to talk the details) but that doesn't mean that he hates him. As the only father he's ever known their relationship is a little complicated (especially as he hasn't admitted/can't remember what happened).

For some nights Cal slept fitfully, waking to a bed that felt far too large and far too cold despite the warmth outside. The paradox was that he was that despite constantly questioning whether he was running a fever it was as though there was this great frozen void beside him. The heat, he mused as he started at the wall, was the wrong kind; a warm stifling thing that wrapped itself around his core, causing his temperature to rise and rise. He’d still be hot if Lucas crawled in beside him, but at least he’d be able to slide his somehow still frigid feet in behind his knees. At least when he threw the covers off in exasperation, he wouldn’t feel so unweighted, unmoored, with another human being beside him. It was the discomfort that woke him, but thethoughts kept him that way. He could pick up the phone and call, swallowing his pride and confessing his fears about entering into a relationship, but he never did. 

They didn’t talk about what had, or more accurately, hadn’t happened that night. It wasn’t as though Cal was actively avoiding him, he told himself. He was just extraordinarily busy, trying to get everything in order before the baby arrived. He mostly stayed holed up in his office, reviewing finances, approving marketing materials. He’d decided that in the absence of a suitable Steve replacement plan, he would have to come up with the final rungs of the ladder himself. He’d even managed to commit some of them to paper, worrying far too much about the possibility of someone seeing them on his laptop. 

He performed just as well at the gatherings, everyone eating it up when he giggled about being kicked, and when they were over and he felt like he might be sick, or pass out right then and there, he was able to dash off back to the relative safety (if not comfort) of his desk. It didn’t escape his notice, however, that Lucas often had his eyes on him. He always looked to be starting towards him, right before the moment when Cal politely excused himself. He would catch up with him at another point, apologising for his leaving so soon, putting them squarely back in the acquaintances category. It was just easier that way. No confused feelings, no overstepping his bounds as the presumably soon to be permanent Meyerist leader. 

The trouble was, for all of his work and organisation, the mountain of things of do never seemed to get any shorter. Everyday he seemed to be working just slightly slower than the day before, and when he did have enough energy to think properly, that gnawing, niggling thought in the back of his mind that told him he’d made a mistake, got louder and louder, until he realised that he had only typed about 200 words in the space of 40 minutes. 

Then another voice would enter his head: Steve’s. It was almost always disappointed, alternatively for his lying about receiving messages from the Light, or for being so distracted at such a crucial time for the movement. Cal would feel so small in those moments, reverting back to the child that he used to be, and in some ways that he felt he still was. It was odd that despite how shit that voice made him feel, and how certain he was that it was just his subconscious, he found himself wanting its approval. He didn’t have to visit Steve in Peru, he could just say he’d gone, or go into the room and do something else. But when he went he held his hand, he talked to him about the routine of the compound, the new ideas sprouting up for how they could reach out to the community. It hurt to see him like he was, sitting somewhere between death and living. 

He’d received a voicemail from Silas. He stared at it for some time. Because he was too far along he wasn’t able to go to see Steve in his hospital bed in Peru and every letter he suspected that something awful had happened. It wasn’t just that he’d have to give some kind of explanation as to what had happened (and he knew that would be left up to him), nor was it that he hadn’t finished the rungs yet, it was also that he couldn’t bear to lose him. He knew deep down that Steve had done something terrible, but he didn’t feel he deserved better than what life had given him in his surrogate father. Much as it would feel like some kind of divine karmic realignment for him to take over officially, the thought of it happening without the guidance of the only carer he’d ever had felt terrifying. 

He hadn’t listened to it that morning, reasoning that it was better to wait until after gathering, least his concerns come to fruition. He was utterly exhausted anyway, sleeping for short busts before he would need to go to the bathroom, or his body kindly reminding him that the pillow between his knees had moved. Even asleep his dreams had seemed so real that it was hardly like he’d closed his eyes at all. With his hormones getting stronger, and sleeplessness in the mix, it was becoming more difficult to compartmentalise. It was only logical that Silas had called to tell him that either Steve was dead or that he was coming to take over. The last time he was there the doctor had warned him that they were running on borrowed time, that Steve was getting weaker and weaker by the day, more drugs needing to be used just to keep his heart beating. Cal also knew that the higher ups had long distrusted him, and it didn’t help that he’d been screening his calls. He knew they would let him take the fall if it no longer suited them to keep up the pretence that Steve was conscious. He’d also ignored some letters, hoping against all hope that they contained nothing of interest. With all this going on he’d forgotten to eat breakfast, seeing the message on his phone and choosing to roll over and get the tiniest bit of sleep that he could. 

As he walked to the barn he tried to be calm, tugging at the bottom of his shirt as it rode up along his belly. He needed to focus on what he was going to say today. He’d written a speech about the nature of family, but something about it didn’t feel right. Normally he didn’t even need to rehearse these things, just letting the words flow out of him because he knew them to be true. Since he’d become pregnant, his memory wasn’t always interested in playing ball, but it hadn’t stopped him from doing his job. Today however, he felt like he couldn’t even remember how to tie a shoelace if someone put a gun to his head. He was bone tired, thoughts swimming around his head like eggshell dropped in egg white; he could see what they were but could never pin them down. It had been almost 2 weeks since the incident at Lucas’ house and it felt like Cal could count on his hands the number of hours of sleep he’d had since then. Dark, heavy circles sat under his eyes and his face looked drawn, like his muscles couldn’t even find the energy to hold his skin up. He’d been holding on by a thread as each day got more and more laborious, telling himself that if the pain would most likely resolve when he stopped being pregnant, and that even if it was emotional, the best way out was through. You can’t pine after a missed opportunity when you’re trying to figure out how to care for another life. But that voicemail had really put a spanner in the works; the straw that was going to break his back.

_Look at it and you can stop wondering._

He glanced at his watch, he had time, besides he was getting breathless and could really do with sitting down. Because of the hour and where he was on the compound he wasn’t particularly concerned that he’d be disturbed on the bench he’d sat down on. He huffed as his shirt rode up again; it wasn’t even particularly tight, it just seemed intent on exposing him. He tried to relax before listening to what no doubt would be a stress inducing message; Silas didn’t make personal calls without good reason. He rubbed large, slow circles into his bump, trying to connect with his son, partly asking if he wouldn’t mind pulling his legs in to make way for his lungs. 

The light was golden, shimmering through the trees, and bathing everything in a yellow glow. The red of the barn fit perfectly with the green of the still dewed grass surrounding it. It almost looked like a church from this vantage point, a safe haven from even his deepest darkest thoughts. It was where they channeled the light, where weddings were conducted, and where families said private goodbyes to their loved ones. If he could just stay calm long enough to make it there, he would be able to handle whatever Silas had to say. 

He pressed play.

_‘Cal? It would be easier to say this to you over the phone but I suspect you’ll continue not to answer my calls. I understand why you can’t travel to see him but it would be nice if you kept up to date with his progress.’_ He sighed, Cal thought for emphasis at his disappointment. _‘Steve is concerned about the changes you’ve made: thinks you’ve put us in danger. If you’d come to see him, maybe he could have showed you the way but… it’s too late for that now. I understand that the child was probably conceived as a result of your disease, but with Steve preparing to move to the Garden, we it’s best if someone else takes the reins for a while until you can get your head together. Spend time with the little one. I’ll come to the compound in a week or so to discuss options with the others.’_

_Steve_ thinks? _Steve_ worries? Anger rose inside him, making his hands tremble. Cal found it objectionable enough that he was the only one taking care of day to day business, but for Silas to be so cowardly as to not even take responsibility for his own opinions grated on him. He had no _idea_ the reasoning behind the choices he’d made, not one single clue about what the followers felt. All he ever did was for the safety of his home. If Silas thought he wasn’t aware of all the mistakes he’d made, he was sorely mistaken. He’d been placed in a position without any support, hyperaware of the judgemental eyes of the rest of the 10R’s resting on him at all times. He rose suddenly, all wound up with nowhere to go. grunting as he forgot to support his back or middle, with his hands being balled in fists. With all his weight in the wrong place and the wrong muscles supporting his child he felt a sharp pain deep as his pelvic ligament protested. An involuntary cry exited his lips bringing him back to the present and forcing him to lean forwards to hold the back of the bench and breathe away the pain. He was in public, he had somewhere to be, and he needed to calm down. The community was happy with the way he’d been doing things, and they were more important than the old guard. They would stick behind him, and he would convince Silas and the rest of those backstabbing _fucks_ that he was more up to the task than any of them. 

If he just stayed calm. 

Talking about family. 

He closed his eyes and exhaled, pushing his palms down towards the floor as he righted himself. The red barn stood before him like a beacon, his feet carrying him, almost without being asked, towards it, as the words came back to him. He mumbled them under his breath, confidence returning as he sank comfortably back into the role of leader. Cars were pulling up in front of the building, emptying themselves of people ready to greet the day. They all knew they were going to be inspired by Cal’s words, faces so hopeful, so open, so bright. It made him feel slightly better, though he wasn’t looking forward to having to inspire whilst standing. He made a mental note to ask someone for a lift home and considered what the midwife had said about not overexerting himself in the pursuit of trying to get Forest to make an earlier appearance. 

———————————————————————————————————————————

In the end he hardly noticed the aches and pains as he stood before them. As he looked out into the crowd he could see that his words were striking a cord. Even Eddie had stopped looking at him with thinly veiled contempt and was instead holding Sarah’s hand and glancing at his children. He was managing to hold back the exhaustion, the nausea, and the sense of dread, even beginning to consider pulling Lucas aside afterwards to clear the air between them. 

That was until his phone buzzed in his pocket. 

_Steve is dead._

_Steve is disappointed._

_Silas will take this away and you will have nothing._

He brushed those thoughts away as usual but found there was nothing to replace them. He opened his mouth like a fish pulled out of the water, hoping that his tongue would take over and find the words he needed. 

‘Excuse the baby brain.’ He laughed nervously, patting his side, and reaching for the notes in his pocket. 

As he scanned the paper, trying to find his place, all the things that he’d been holding at bay came out to play. His stomach lurched, reminding him that he hadn’t eaten today, and he felt his mouth filling with saliva. Everything in him told him to run, to get to a place of safety, but he knew he couldn’t just leave; that was exactly the kind of coping ability Silas expected from him. The room was still quiet, everybody ready when he was, and he knew he could pull this back from the claws of defeat if he just skipped to the end. 

‘When we become Meyerists we don’t just make a covenant with the Light. We are not solo travellers on the path to the Garden. If we find we are walking alone we should look back and wait for the rest of our party, because when we make a commitment to this community we make a commitment to our family. Whether that’s your neighbour or you chose them or you carried them around for 9 months, we don’t let our family go astray.’ His delivery was somewhat flatter than usual but it was the best he could do at that moment. 

‘On that note, let’s all recenter ourselves.’ He raised his arms for everyone else to follow, noting that the reaction wasn’t as enthusiastic as usual. Some of the faces in the crowd looked sympathetic, some confused as to why it had all gone off the rails at the last minute, and one face in the back looked worried for him. He didn’t want to look at Lucas right now but he was too dizzy to stand with his eyes closed and keep his balance. 

As everyone stood hands to the window, eyes closed, he slunk off stage, whispering to someone to apologise on his behalf for his abrupt exit, and out of the room. The warm summer breeze, felt slightly better than the stuffy stifling air in the hall but it didn’t calm him completely. His swollen womb pulled on his spine, making him want to sit on the ground, curling over himself as much as he could but he kept walking, trying to leave before anyone saw him. 

‘Cal!’ Lucas called out, slightly breathless from having jogged down to meet him. ‘Wait!’

Cal sighed, not sure if he was feeling relieved to have someone around or not. 

‘Let me drive you back.’ 

‘I’m fine, thanks.’ He said tersely.

Lucas touched his arm, ‘You look pale, I’d worry about you if I didn’t.’ 

Cal worried his bottom lip, before acquiescing. ‘Thanks.’ 

As he eased himself into the seat he caught Lucas looking him, poised to help him like an anxious partner. 

———————————————————————————————————————————

The ride back to the office had been quiet, in fact all that had been said was, ‘Thanks for dropping me off.’ He was so embarrassed; the one thing he was good at, and it had all fallen apart so easily. Everything was coming to a head, and he felt like a rubber band about to snap. Lucas had stayed in the car as he walked to door, but Cal could still feel his worry and need to comfort boring into his back. 

Once inside he tried to breathe, tried to pace and wait just long enough to get over the wave of panic, but it wasn’t going to happen. He needed release, and if it hurt a little in the process that might help to clear it quicker. That was how he found himself punching the wall repeatedly, just needing to expend this stress. He keep going until his knuckles smarted, and he felt the skin come away from his hands, until he could feel the impact of the wall up his arm. He focused on channelling everything he had at that wall until he heard the door open. It took a minute for his body to catch up to his brain, allowing whoever had entered a chance to see him when he lost control. He panted, gripping his hand, and staring at the chipped paint, silently willing them to leave as he realised he hadn’t dealt with the problem. He knew it was Lucas from the way he shuffled his feet anxiously and he knew he wasn’t leaving. If anything, he was moving closer and Cal knew that he was going to have to tell him to go, but he didn’t want to.

And then something did snap. 

He was tensed so tight that the rubber band of his ligament pinged for the second time that day. He bent over in pain, hissing at the spasming. Lucas rushed to his side, never nervous once he knew the course of action he should take, one hand on his elbow and one on his lower abdomen. It felt soft which was reassuring; he remembered how his wife’s bump had gone hard with contractions, but just because it wasn’t one of those didn’t mean it wasn’t concerning. Cal had his eyes closed but Lucas could feel his legs start to give way and thought it prudent to direct him to a chair. It was then that he noticed his breathing was loud, like he’d run a marathon, and he had a hand on his chest. It felt like he was being crushed, every breath he took was like breathing against a stone that had been placed on his chest. The more he noticed these sensations, the more scared he got for Forest, and the worse they got. 

‘Can’t…. breathe.’ He was trying to unbutton the top buttons of his shirt but his fingers were too tingly and weak to make any headway. ‘Feels… like.. heart… attack.’

Lucas reached up to release the buttons at his neck, taking note of how sweaty he was and how fast his pulse was racing. He suspected it was more likely that this was a panic attack, but either way he needed him on the floor. 

‘Cal, I’m going to lift you up and bring you down here ok?’

Cal only nodded weakly but provided no assistance as Lucas looped strong arms underneath his armpits to bring him down to his level. He lay slumped against his body, trying and failing to breathe like a normal human being. Lucas pulled his phone out of his pocket as he sat pushed back against the wood of the desk. 

‘I’m going to ring the doctor. I think it’s a panic attack but she can check you over.’ He spoke quietly, holding him tight, trying not to add to the sensory overload. 

Once the call was over he could feel that Cal’s heart was still pounding but had slowed somewhat. His was slightly curled in on himself as Lucas rubbed his arm soothingly. 

‘You and Forest are going to be ok. She’s on her way and will be here soon.’

‘I feel sick.’ He mumbled. 

There wasn’t really anything around to help deal with that, his desk bin being woven, but Lucas reasoned that if it was going to happen, it was going to happen. Besides he’d had a kid, and been around plenty of drunk people in his time. 

‘It’s alright if you are. Just close your eyes and focus on breathing.’ The attack was mostly over now and he could see how much it had taken out of Cal. When help arrived he didn’t move from where he was and Lucas didn’t encourage him to, despite the pins and needles in his arm and leg. She took his blood pressure and pulse, and all the while he kept his eyes closed. 

‘BP is 126/82, pulse 94. Both of which are a little high for you Cal, but they’re still within normal ranges. Let’s have a listen to baby shall we?’ 

Lucas gently shook his shoulder, ‘Can she lift your shirt?’

He finally opened his eyes, extending a hand to help him sit up. He was much better at undoing the buttons now that he was slightly more with it. 

‘You’ll need to lean back somewhere. Shall we get you on the couch so that I can have a proper feel?’ 

With a grunt he stood, still quiet. Lucas moved faster to place some cushions at the head so that he would be comfortable and to make sure that he didn’t get breathless from lying flat. He hadn’t actually ever seen Cal shirtless but now he did he was able to see how active Forest was. He could see little protrusions where he kicked and pressed and was slightly impressed by how _infrequently_ he heard Cal gasp or touch his belly in public. He certainly did it slightly more when they were alone together but he got the feeling that when he let himself in the view of others it was strategic; too much and he was weak,too little and he was detached. Lucas could sense that he was embarrassed at being seen in such a state though he wasn’t sure if it was both or only one of them that caused it. He lay his head back and closed his eyes but wore a warm smile when he heard his son’s heartbeat.

‘Happy healthy boy.’ She said wiping the gel off his skin. When she’d thrown the tissue away she returned to hold his hand and discuss her findings, kneeling at his side. She glanced up at Lucas, who’d stood off to the side, and smiled. ‘Would you mind just giving us a minute?’ 

‘No, no, it’s alright, he can stay.’ 

They both looked puzzled, her because Cal’s love life was something of a mystery, and him because all indications pointed to Cal wanting to stay as far away from him as possible. 

‘Of course. I’d say you’ve had an anxiety attack as opposed to anything more serious, but I’d like to give you an EKG just in case.’

‘I’m so tired, does it have to be now?’ 

‘You can have a rest and then come and see me later today. It’s highly unlikely it’s a cardiac issue, so I’m happy to wait. If it was a panic attack, do you have any idea what could have set it off?’

Lucas doubted that he would be completely honest, but he was still curious about the answer. 

‘Just stressed about the impending arrival, I guess.’

There it was, the lie. In anyone else it might have been a reasonable excuse but Lucas could feel there was something else. Of course Cal was nervous about having a baby but she hadn’t seen the anger that preceded it and he’d hidden his scraped up hand away. This lie came too easily, the ‘I guess’ added in to make it seem less preprepared. Yet Lucas didn’t want to push him; he knew that there were things in the movement that he couldn’t share freely and though he longed to know how he could ameliorate the situation, he knew there was only so much he could ask of him. 

Once the doctor was happy that all was well she left them both alone, Cal laying with his hands stroking his bump and Lucas standing at the end of the couch. He didn’t know exactly what was expected of him, and went to tell Cal he was going to leave before he reached out an arm, eyes still closed. 

‘Will you stay with me?’ He whispered, sounding so genuinely in need that Lucas couldn’t bring himself to say no. He sat on the floor in front of his middle and took his extended hand. 

‘For as long as you need.’ 

Cal seemed to relax at that, letting his arm fall back down so that Lucas’ hand was resting on his side.

They still hadn’t talked. Sure Lucas had seen him break down, but he didn’t know why, and he had come in to clear the air between them, not to comfort him. But it wasn’t going to happen now, he couldn’t expect him to engage in meaningful conversation after that. This was a start though, he thought as he began to stroke lovingly up and down his side, continuing even after he fell asleep.


	6. When Cal met Mary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the title says really!

There was a new 1R in the compound. That wasn’t unusual of course, but what was was the way that she stared at Cal. It was more than the usual reverence he got; there was something intense and wanton inside it. It set him on edge but wasn’t entirely unpleasant. She was, after all, beautiful, and the dark lustful look in her eyes made him want things from her that he knew he shouldn’t. He’d shown too much of himself to Lucas, proved himself to be vulnerable, and whilst he still thought about him often, Mary snuck her way into his fantasies too. He saw Lucas around and they made pleasant chitchat but it wasn’t the same as it had been before. They would have to settle for being friends, going back to what they had when Lucas first arrived. He’d invited him over to his cabin in the near future to have dinner in the hope that they could laugh together once more, to relax in each other’s company without the expectation that it would lead to anything more. Mary could be a new way to start over, to move on even if it was only in his mind. He never made any advances towards her, but at the same time he didn’t break eye contact, didn’t do anything to put her off. 

One night there was a knock at his door that caused him to look up from his endless mountains of paperwork, a consequence of his thoughts being difficult to chase to their logical conclusion as of late. He wished he could just get on with it so that he could go home and try to rest, take some strain off his aching spine, but he wasn’t disappointed to see Mary. The smile he gave her was genuine, though she didn’t return one in kind.

‘Mary.’ He chirped. 

She seemed nervous, but determined to carry out what she’d come here to do. Saying nothing she reached up to the bow at the bottom of her throat and pulled. Her hands slid under the newly loosened fabric of her nightgown and pushed it over the pale skin of her shoulders. It fell with no great ceremony to pool at her ankles. Throughout this she remained with eyes focused on Cal. He licked his lips, somewhat shocked, somewhat taking his time to drink in the sight before him. She was slender; her clavicles and bones of her wrists delicate and evident against the milky smoothness of her skin. Her breasts were small and hung like teardrops on her chest. Everything about her was soft, like a slightly thinner version of the naked women in classical paintings. It had been a long time since he’d seen _anyone_ naked and it set off something inside him that he couldn’t deny. He stood, pulling his bottom lip slightly inwards to run his tongue across it; a nervous habit. As he walked towards her he considered that he should help her to get dressed, tell her she didn’t need to prove anything or ingratiate herself with anyone, but he got the sense that Mary already knew that, that she’d come here because she wanted _him._

He rested a hand on her shoulder, trying to resist the urge to do what he knew he would do next. As much as he wanted Lucas, it was all very soft and lovey dovey; too much like a _real_ relationship. This, this confidence that Mary presented him with tonight was attractive, alluring and the next thing he knew their lips were pressed together. His hands snaked to the back of her neck, up through her hair as they searched each others mouths. Mary pulled his top over his head allowing his stretched skin to press into her. He would have been embarrassed but she didn’t seem to mind in the slightest, her hands continuing to roam over his back and down into the waistband of his jeans to squeeze at his behind. Cal reached between her thighs to feel at the warm wetness there. He wanted this now.

‘Mary.’ He was breathless, desperate, pleading, but not for the reason one might expect. Sex was complicated for her and he knew it. He had a duty of care. Maybe if he hadn’t been 9 months pregnant, he would have done this fast, letting his desire overwhelm his better judgement, but he knew his mind wouldn’t stay quiet long enough to find a comfortable position for both of them, let alone to try and complete the deed. 

‘Mary, stop.’ It came out as a whine, no force of will behind it, and she knew it. Her eyes were wide and looked right into him, not moving her hands. 

‘Let me take care of you. Please.’ She gently pressed on his chest, leading him towards his desk, assuming (correctly) that he’d need something to stabilise himself. 

He breathed heavily, pupils blown with arousal, letting himself lean back for her to get better access. Silent consent given for her to continue she sank to her knees and undid his trousers. He couldn’t see her head below the swell of his belly but he certainly felt it when she took him in her mouth. He hadn’t been touched by another person in so long he was almost overcome with the sensation. She moved her head slowly at first, making sure to take him in completely, pausing at the tip to run her tongue in circles along the slit. Cal was overwhelmed even before she started swallowing, her tongue and cheeks creating waves of pressure around his cock. He knew he wasn’t going to last long, fingers curling so tight around the desk that they turned white. If it weren’t for the increasing frequency of the noisy breaths through his nose, and the little hip twitches, Mary might not have known that he was close. He was so restrained, so internal, even when he did finish it was only with 3 breathy groans followed by a hand in her hair. 

She looked up at him, pleased at her job but slightly restrained herself, like any happiness she received from looking after him was tinged with something darker. Whilst he righted himself and started to put his shirt back on she stood gazing at him like he was something fascinating to be puzzled out. 

‘Thank you Mary.’ It was an odd response to what had just happened but it was all he could think of. 

_Christ Cal, that makes it sound like it was a job, like that’s what’s expected of her._

She opened her mouth as if to say something but instead pulled her bottom lip into her mouth, running her teeth over it before letting it free. He placed a hand on her face, gently feeling her cheekbones and bow of her lip as though it were some precious gift. Despite the immediate past it wasn’t sexual and he let it trail down to her shoulder before sinking to the ground. 

‘What are you doing?’ 

‘I’m rather inadvisedly helping you get dressed.’ It certainly was a ridiculous idea, taking all his effort not to topple into her naked body on the way back up. He knew it was wrong of him to have her service him like that and offer nothing in return, but she didn’t seem to expect it, and he needed this to be over. He knew that they couldn't do this again and despite not officially being in a relationship, he felt like he was cheating on Lucas. 

_Not officially. Who are you kidding, it’s not even unofficial._

‘Goodnight Cal.’ 

And with that, she left. Sad, sated he couldn’t tell, whatever it was it was something to explore another day. Right now he needed to talk. 

——————————————————————————————————————————

He rang the only person he could think of. 

‘Cal? Is everything alright?’ Lucas sounded bleary, clearly having been woken from slumber. Cal glanced at the clock, having lost track of time. It was past midnight.

He breathed with exertion through his nose, trying to quiet the noise inside his head. He was so quiet when he said it, part of him hoped Lucas wouldn’t hear it. 

‘I slept with Mary.’ 

A pause. A really long fucking pause. Cal could almost feel Lucas searching for the words.

‘The new 1R?’ 

‘She came to my office and dropped her clothes and-‘

‘Stop Cal.’ For the first time he sounded angry. ‘Why are you telling me this? I thought it was an emergency, that the baby was coming.’ 

Cal didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know the answer to the question and it made acid rise in his throat thinking he’d upset Lucas. 

‘I-I think I made a mistake.’ His voice even smaller now. 

Lucas sighed, clearly wanting this conversation to be over. ‘Listen, you said she propositioned you. You’re both adults capable of making your own decisions. If I were you, I’d stop worrying about it.’

His tone was clipped and Cal really was at a loss for words now, a lump forming in his throat. When he didn’t say anything Lucas said a resigned ‘Goodnight Cal.’ and hung up. 

Cal lowered the phone slowly, shell shocked. Why _had_ he called Lucas? It didn’t really matter why, all that mattered was that whether he intended it or not, it had hurt him, that he was sure of. He stared straight ahead, eyes prickling, tears threatening to spill. He felt empty, like he’d just been abandoned, and it was _all his fault_. He looked down at his bump, running his hands over it, in a poor substitute for a hug. He could no longer hold it back, his face twisting into a grimace and hot, wet tears spilling onto the crest of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I did have Cal call Lucas because I was thinking about the time Will kissed Alana and drove to tell Hannibal. They are both dumb lovestruck fools!


	7. I like you so much better when you're naked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Silas comes around and it pisses Lucas off. As a result Cal gets very turned on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not only am I terrible at writing but I am also terrible at coming up with chapter titles. That's how I roll

He had to fix this. The next morning he woke with resolve, determined to fix the events of the previous night. He called Sarah and told her he’d be taking a personal day, ‘Just didn’t get much sleep last night.’ His plan of ignoring his feelings wasn’t working and he had to talk to Lucas. Either it meant they got a chance together or things would finally be settled. 

His first stop would have to be to see Mary. Though she’d instigated, and it was nothing serious, she deserved more than him pretending that it hadn’t happened. He found her in her room and they sat together on the bed.

‘You don’t want me?’ She sounded confused, disappointed. 

He frowned, eyebrows moving in all sorts of different directions as he struggled to know what to feel, what to say.

‘No, no. You’re very beautiful and I’ He exhaled heavily ‘I can see what a good person you are. Strong, confident, capable. It’s just…’

He didn’t know if he should say this. 

‘I’m….’ He swallowed thickly. ‘in love with someone else.’ 

It felt so good to say it out loud, as though saying it spoke it into existence and meant it couldn’t be taken back, even if he hadn’t said it to the one who really needed to hear it. 

‘You deserve that Mary. You deserve to feel love from someone who can give it to you.’ 

He took her hand in his, squeezing comfortingly, but she let it hang there, not responding. It was so hard to read exactly what she was feeling; like him she had built up a wall around herself. 

‘All my life I had this dream, that an angel would come down from the sky and save me. I thought that was you.’ 

He realised how big his mistake was, not only had he used her, but he risked shaking her faith, removing her safety net. 

‘You can have a real life here. You don’t need to _be_ with me to have that.’ 

She laughed derisively, withdrawing her hand. 

‘You’re just like the rest of them. You just use me and then put me away when it suits you.’ 

‘Just like who Mary?’

She swallowed, hardening somewhat, as though a different Mary needed to say this. 

‘My father started selling me to his friends when I was 11.’ 

That hit somewhere deep inside Cal, to a place he couldn’t reach and he wanted to harden too. But instead he was hurt, furious for her, and he made sure it was evident on his face so that she believed what he had to say. 

‘Nothing like that will ever happen to you again. I will take care of that. I _will_ make it better.’ 

She nodded, believing that he believed that, but not necessarily that it was possible. 

‘We have people here that you can talk to.’

‘Yeah. I just want him to know, I guess.’ 

He had no idea how he was going to fix that but he sure as hell knew he was going to try. 

——————————————————————————————————————————

The next stop was finding supplies. He wasn't prone to great displays of affection but it seemed like this situation called for it. He was supposed to be seeing Lucas at 5pm so he had to work fast, which was easier said than done when he had to go all the way into New York, get back, _and_ cook. 

By the time he was finished he was exhausted, plus the summer heat really hadn’t helped with the swelling in his feet. He lay back on the couch to elevate them in preparation, telling himself before he fell asleep that he was just going to ‘rest his eyes’.

——————————————————————————————————————————-

He was awoken a couple of hours later by Lucas knocking at the door. He’d intended to change out of his (previously) baggy t-shirt into something a little more attractive, but this would have to do. 

He let Lucas in, heading straight for the kitchen to put the plates on the table. 

‘Smørrebrød.’ Lucas murmured. 

‘I made you danish food.’ He smiled sheepishly, ‘A peace offering?’ 

‘Is that a question?’ 

He shouldn’t have expected it to be that easy to win him back over. He owed him an explanation, a reassurance that he could be trusted. 

‘A statement. I could have made something else but most of the things I found weren’t vegetarian so I had to make do. Do you mind if we sit?’ 

He sighed, looking down at his hands as he picked at his fingers. 

‘I shouldn't have done what I did with Mary, I shouldn’t have stopped what was happening the other night.’ 

‘It seems there are a lot of things you shouldn't have done.’ He began eating as he considered what to say next. It wasn’t as though he hadn’t thought about it, quite the opposite; he had too much to say. ’It’s not like we made a commitment to each other. I just wish you wouldn’t have avoided me afterwards.’ 

‘I thought if I did I could make it go away.’ 

Lucas frowned, ‘It?’

‘I … uh…. like you. I wanted to keep going but I like you and I wanted more than just sex.’ He’d turned his gaze down, when he felt a hand rest on his. It was rough and calloused but still warm comforting. 

‘Why is that a bad thing? Did you think I didn’t want the same?’

‘No, I knew you did. I worried about what it would mean for Forest and the movement, and…’ 

‘and?’ He rubbed his thumb along the top of his hand. 

‘It makes me vulnerable. It makes you vulnerable.’ 

‘I want this with you. I’m not afraid to be vulnerable. Maybe before I came here but I can’t go my whole life thinking what happened before is going to happen again.’ 

They looked deep into each other’s eyes, Cal turning his hand so that they held hands, fingers laced together, feeling like they could stay this way forever.

There was a new knocking at the door, and it signalled a person that wasn’t keen on waiting. Cal furrowed his brow, shaking his head at Lucas, ‘I wasn’t expecting anyone else.’ 

As he approached the door he saw Silas, looming, a noxious presence in his space. He smiled something wicked, a sickly sweet facade that poorly covered his intent beneath. Cal automatically made to protect Forest by placing a hand on his middle, an action he regretted almost immediately when it drew the other man’s attention to it. 

‘Silas.’ He tried to appear calm and steady as he tried not to grit his teeth. ‘It’s good to see you.’ 

He opened the door and stepped outside, catching Silas off guard. He wanted Lucas to stay for this, even if he heard something that drove him away; not sharing and being open with him had caused him enough strife so far, plus he felt reassured by his presence.

‘No one will be coming around here for the rest of the evening. We won’t be heard.’ 

‘I suppose it is nice weather out. How’s the baby? You look due any day now.’ 

Cal swallowed hard, he wasn’t often in the mood to discuss his son, especially not with this snake, but he knew he needed to be as pleasant as possible least he incur the wrath of the rest of the 10R’s.

‘Shall we just skip to what you came here to say? I’m sure you’re tired after your journey.’ 

Silas put his hands up and clapped them together, forming a clasp. ‘As you wish. I’m sure you received my voicemail.’ 

‘I did.’ 

‘I haven’t spoken it over with the others yet but I’m sure they’ll agree with the sentiment. We’ll begin preparations for someone else to take over. Maybe Sarah?’

‘The community like me. I’ve done good things for us. Don’t you think we should ask them?’ 

‘I’m sure you have.’ He said patronisingly. ‘But the choice to bring in those asylum seekers, to put us on the news.’ He shook his head, ‘It only puts us in more difficulty in the long run. Opens us up to the outside world in a way that Steve doesn’t want. Look’ He placed a hand on Cal’s shoulder, ‘It’s not your fault, but at the end of the day you’re an alcoholic salesman just like you father, and that is not compatible with being a leader.’ 

Cal could feel rage boiling inside of him. He wanted to snap the wrist of that man, feel it shatter in his hand but suddenly Lucas had appeared, looking as dark in his eyes as Cal felt internally. Silas seemed startled before tilting his head at Cal, ‘I thought you said there wasn’t anyone around.’ 

‘Don’t touch him.’ Lucas growled. 

‘I’m not sure who you think you are, but this conversation doesn’t involve you.’ 

‘I _said_ take your hand off of him. 

Silas removed it, holding it up in faux defeat. 

‘How dare you say that to him. He’s right, you ask the rest of us before you do anything. This is a _community_ and I don’t know who you think _you_ are but you don’t just get to make decisions without any input.’ 

‘Well well well Cal, you certainly have made an impact haven't you.’ 

Lucas still glowered at him and Cal didn’t feel the need to do anything to stop him. Instead he felt a fire in the pit of his belly, that aroused him more than he had known before. Whether he was doing this strictly for Cal or because he couldn't stand unfairness, he didn’t care, it was still a desperately attractive side of Lucas that he hadn’t seen before. 

‘I think you should leave Silas.’ 

‘And if you do anything before talking to the rest of us, I assure you that you’ll have bigger problems to worry about than what happened last time with the news.’ 

Silas narrowed his eyes, weighing up whether he should respond and deciding that he should walk away. 

‘I’ll see you tomorrow Cal.’ 

They both watched him climb into his car and drive off, glad to see the back of him. Cal’s heart was racing, feeling on cloud nine, but also like he could take Lucas right here right now. He turned to face him, expectation and longing clear on his face. 

It wasn’t Lucas’ way to make advances, especially when he’d been rebuffed before, but he knew if he didn’t claim that mouth with his own that he’d regret it for the rest of his life. He didn’t move slowly this time, leaning over to slip his lips over Cal’s fuelled by desperate, burning desire. Cal reciprocated in kind, caught a little off guard at first, but finding his footing quickly. Lucas had placed a hand on his inner thigh, intent on telling him what he wanted, and again Cal did not shy away, though Lucas could feel him shaking slightly. Adrenaline was coursing through his veins, creating a buzz in his lips and fingers, that made every touch from his partner take on a new, high vibrancy. He trailed them across the roughness of Lucas’ jaw line, knowing they would get pink and swollen from the assault, but he needed to know whether it felt the same as it had in his fantasies. Lucas pushed him into the doorframe, their middles firmly pressed into each other. He could feel how muscular his legs were against his as his he explored his back with his hands. The only thing he couldn’t feel was Lucas’ hardness to match his. He knew it was there from the breathy, wanton moans, but he needed to feel it properly, like he could feel the sharpness of his canines as he mouthed and teased at his neck, extended for that very purpose. 

‘Take me to the bedroom,’ He said, taking his hand to his crotch so that Lucas could feel the bulge there. ‘and I’ll let you taste this.’ 

He slid through the door, feeling graceless but propelled by lust, and headed towards said location. Lucas didn’t follow for a minute, taking his time to stare unrestrained at that pert arse, still muscular and firm. It was only when Cal called to ask if he was coming, that he was stunned out of his stupor and into action, beginning to undo his shirt even as he crossed the room. 

Cal had seated himself on the bed, supporting himself with his hands behind him. 

‘I’m trying to be sexy, but I’m afraid I’m going to need some help.’ 

Lucas was not afraid to oblige, practically ripping his clothes from him, kissing him so feverishly after pulling off his top that he almost knocked him backwards. 

‘Careful champ, I have no core strength anymore.’ Cal laughed against his mouth. ‘Maybe you should take off some layers as well; I want to see you.’ 

With that he stripped off, being in such a hurry that he almost forgot to take off his socks. It was so endearing that Cal almost didn’t say anything. That was until he saw his cock. Cute be damned, he longed to feel how good it felt inside him, and he wanted it yesterday. When they were both naked, Lucas knelt at his feet, kissing up hislegs, gasping as Cal spread his legs wider for him. He knew he wasn’t going to be able at this angle to give good head and the man above him already looked slightly worn from propping his weight up. He was about to help guide him back towards the headboard but Cal must have seen where he was looking as he said, ‘I’ll probably fall asleep if you put me back there. How about you just fuck me?’ 

Lucas’ eyes went wide, ‘Are you sure?’

‘You’d better help me up before I change my mind.’ 

Together they rolled him onto all fours, Lucas going to grab some pillows to support his belly as the weight of it had pulled it into a deep curve. 

‘You don’t have to be a gentleman, I won’t break. But I do insist that you get the lube from the drawer.’ 

He wasn’t used to being given such a command in the bedroom, but seeing him presenting his arse like that set something alight in him. If he wanted to show Cal a good time he was going to have to do as he said. 

Lucas squirted the cool liquid onto his fingers and brought them to the tight ring of muscle, running them around the edge of it and massaging his perineum. Cal’s head fell forwards and his fingers clenched around the sheet as he pushed his hips towards the pressure begging for more. Lucas longed to explore every inch of his body like this, to run his mouth over his tanned muscled skin but he knew Cal wanted something quick and dirty and he was already aching with need so he inserted one finger. Cal gasped at the sensation but stayed relaxed and soon another joined it, curling until it found his prostate. He breathed more deeply through his nose, almost as though he was stifling a moan. Lucas found himself wanting to hear how it felt but for now he focused on moving his fingers, hitting that spot over and over again 

‘I want to hear you. I want to hear how good I make you feel.’ 

‘You… ah… feel good.’ Cal said, with only a hint of loss of control. Lucas kept thrusting, the breath coming through his nostrils stuttering with each movement. Lucas was grunting, pleasure shooting through his body as his hips smacked against his arse. Cal was moving back to meet the thrusts but still he was silent. Lucas needed more, he needed Cal to let go, so he restrained himself, stilling his hips. 

‘What’s the matter? Why are you stopping?’ Cal almost whined. 

‘Are you enjoying yourself?’ 

‘Of course I am.’ He reached around, looking up at Lucas, face sweaty and flushed. ‘Fuck me. Please.’ 

Lucas gripped hard at his cheek, before rearing his hand back and bringing it down hard enough to leave redness and sting slightly but not to bruise. Cal whined loudly, the shock not altogether unpleasant. 

‘You can be loud. Like that.’ 

Cal didn’t say anything for a second and Lucas worried that he’d made a mistake but then, ‘Do that again.’ 

Lucas lifted a hand, smacking down harder than the last time, Cal throwing his head back and loudly exclaiming. His hand tingled and cock ached again with the noise, beginning to rock again slowly.This time instead of stuttering puffs of breath, he moaned with the feeling of being dominated, the stretch and ache of being less than adequately prepared. It hurt and in his state he would definitely be feeling it tomorrow but he was always in charge. When he wasn’t as big as a whale he’d like to know how much further it could go. 

Lucas was speeding up, gripping his hips hard to bring them back towards him, grunting as he did so. 

‘You feel amazing. God…I could do this.. ah… ah.. all day.’ 

He reached around his front, and pulled him up so that they were both flush, bodies pressed up against each other whilst they were on their knees. He couldn’tthrust as deep like this but he was so close already and he wanted them to come together so he could feel the sensations of clenching around him. 

‘Touch yourself.’ He commanded into his ear. 

He’d taken to the role so well, and he knew he’d have his hand around his cock soon so he wasn’t going to disobey by asking if Lucas could do it. He thrust even as Lucas barely moved, keeping himself just on the edge. 

‘Tell me when you’re close.’ Lucas was kissing and biting at his neck and ear, hot breath ticking against the hairs that stood on end. 

A few more jerks and he nodded, humming a small yes. The thrusting started again until he felt himself cumming, spilling warm over his hand as he tensed and felt the other doing the same behind him. He let his weight collapse backwards, panting and exhausted but more relaxed than he’d been in weeks, months maybe. 

When they were clean and nestled together in bed, Lucas trailed his finger across one of his stretch marks. 

‘They’re horrible.’ 

‘I’m going to have to tell you often how handsome you are, aren’t I?’ 

‘There’s no way you like those. Look how red they are.’ 

Lucas raised his eyebrows. ‘And?’ 

‘You’ll have to put your glasses back on because no sighted person could not be horrified by them.’ 

‘I’m sure I’ll see them many times.’ 

‘So you’ll stay then?’ He wanted to say, ‘so you love me, like I love you?’ but he was happy just to be in his arms, for the time being. 

Lucas planted a kiss on the top of his head, ‘I thought you’d never ask.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mary isn't just getting dumped, I've something in mind for her later on!


	8. What did you say?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 41 weeks is a long time to be pregnant.

The next few weeks they spent together, trying to ‘date’ like a normal couple, though Lucas would often stay over, both figuring that they should spend as much time together before 2 became 3. They would go on walks together, Lucas always ready at his elbow in case he tripped because he couldn’t see his feet. They didn’t have sex again but Lucas spent many hours telling him how hot he was and touching him intimately. They chose not to make their relationship public, wanting to enjoy the quiet safe bubble they had created together, but when Silas did bring up replacing him as ‘interim’ leader he stood by his side. The followers stuck by him and he left, no doubt planning what to do next, but thwarted for the time being. Everything was good, and though he still hadn’t told Lucas how strong his feelings really were, he was happier than he’d ever been. 

Cal knew first babies often took their time, but that didn’t mean he was all that pleased when he hit 41 weeks. As Lucas sat watching him he paced in his office, grumbling about being kicked. 

‘This is ridiculous. He’s never coming out without being forced out. I feel like I should go to a hospital and get induced.’

Lucas, as ever was relaxed, which didn’t help with Cal’s mood. ‘You talked about this with the doctor right?’

‘Yes, yes, I know the risks and benefits and BRAIN acronyms and drugs and on and on and on.’ He was more overtly exasperated than Lucas had ever seen him. 

‘Has any of that changed?’

‘Jesus Lucas, you don’t think I know that.’

‘Cal’ Lucas chastised, not mad. 

He sighed and dropped heavily beside him. ‘Sorry, it’s just I’m hot and tired and massive. I mean look at me.’ He groaned, massaging circles into his belly and rubbing at his swollen pecs. He did look rather uncomfortable; his shirts had reached their breaking point and it wasn’t worth getting more. He insisted he did not want to wear dresses so the belly band of his trousers further overheated him and caused sweat to gather underneath his chest. Lucas had laughed once that it looked like he was leaking milk, which had _not_ gone well for him. ‘The last measurement I had I was 43 cm Lucas, and that’s even with the engagement. I feel like a whale.’

‘You’ve got to speak to the 3R’s right? And then nothing else?’

‘That’s it.’

‘Maybe that should be the start of your paternity leave.’ 

‘I will go absolutely stir crazy if I have nothing to do.’

‘You’ll have plenty of things to do.’ He said, stroking his hands over his swollen flanks. 

‘Stop Lucas,’ He snapped, ‘your son is a giant and there is absolutely _no_ room for anything else in there.’ 

‘Darling, I meant baths, walks, massage. I heard you when you said no more of _that_.’ It dawned on him very suddenly. ‘Did you say _your_ son?’ 

Cal shook his head, feigning ignorance, ‘No.’ His response was short and clipped. 

Lucas pushed back to look at him properly, removing his comforting hands from his back. ‘I’m pretty sure you did.’ 

There was no getting out of this one,besides if he wanted those fingers back, he needed to fess up. ‘I may have done.’ He was clearly scared of having this conversation, the colour draining from his face instead of flushing with embarrassment. ‘I suppose the IS’s would call it a Freudian slip. But I don’t want to rush this, I like having you around and.. I uh…’

‘Go on.’

Caltook a deep breath. ‘I want to keep doing this as normally as possible but one day maybebecauseIloveyouyoucouldbehisdad.’

Lucas seemed shellshocked. He’d grown still and quiet, eyes staring into the middle distance. He’d pulled his hands away to his chest as though he couldn’t bear to have them anywhere near close to Cal. 

_Fuck fuck fuck. Why didyou saythat? It was fine, it was good, and now you’ve just laid your heart out to get stomped on._

Wishing very much to have this pain over and done with, Cal stood, mentally cursing how low the couch seemed to beas he rocked backwards and forwards to get up. He crossed the room to his desk ignoring the parlour of his companions countenance, and general stupor. Lucas made no move to stop him and all of a sudden feelings that he’d kept locked away threatened to pour out. Forest kicked wildly in his belly, knocking bits of the floodgate away with every hit. The world felt like it was collapsing in on itself, like his knees had been knocked out from under him and he felt his protective side start to climb back up behind his eyes, shutting his heart away inside a lead lined coffin. 

‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have put that on you.’ He cleared his throat. ‘I’m glad we know now, saves us the heartache later down the line.’

Lucas was almost catatonic, appearing not to have heard anything of what Cal said. Part of his wanted to kiss him fiercely, to show him what he felt, to prise those lips apart until they were entwined body and soul. But Lucas’ soul wasn’t currently present and when he finally spoke it was to excuse himself. He walked out the door not having looked at Cal since he made his declaration. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm usually shouting at Cal to stop being to stupid so I thought I should mix it up. He'll explain next time why he walked away.


	9. Holding back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal admits to Lucas that he never told Steve about the baby.

Some nights later Lucas woke to find the bed empty and a strange sound coming from the living room. He padded softly out to where it was coming from, as though he was looking to approach a wild animal without startling it. He found that the noise was Cal emitting a low constant groan, sometimes punctuated with a sigh, or a horse lips exhale. 

It seemed that the low pitched sound was constant unlike the stop start sounding that accompany contractions but he’d never seen Cal do anything like this. Even in the moonlight he could see that the circles under Cal’s eyes were exceedingly dark, almost like bruises. He would pace the floor, one hand fixed to his lower back and one to the bump, and before leaning into the wall and swaying his hips. 

‘Are you in labour?’ 

Cal near to jumped out of his skin when he realised Lucas was there, letting out a shriek and stumbling backwards. 

‘Sorry.’ Lucas put up his hands as if to show he was unarmed as he tried to keep himself from laughing. 

‘No. I am _not_ in labour.’ Cal glowered. ‘I’m fine.’

‘I’m not blind you know.I watched you for a full few minutes before I said anything.’ 

Cal’s eyes got wide as he realised the gig was up. Apart from the time when he’d been drunk he hadn’t fully admitted to Lucas how uncomfortable he was, let alone what he’d been trying to relieve the tension. 

‘I’m just…’

Lucas narrowed his eyes, waiting for an excuse. 

‘I’m just.. it hurts to sit. I'm trying to relax.’

Lucas looked unconvinced, ‘It didn’t seem very relaxing.’

‘Well there’s only so much I can do. It takes my mind off it more than anything.’ 

‘Off what?’

‘Are you really going to make me say it?’

‘I can’t help you unless I know what’swrong.’

Cal sighed and absentmindedly rubbed at his lower back. ‘What _doesn’t_ hurt? It’s mostly the back today, it feels like every time I shift a new part gives out.’ 

‘So you’re trying to let the wall take over some of that work.’ 

‘It feels like I might be able to move the baby into a better position, one that isn’t pressing on a nerve.’ 

‘Well if the movement helps soothe then I guess it’s worth doing, but I can’t help but feel that they would be more effective if I helped.’

‘Would you?’

‘Of course daring.’

Cal let himself be guided back to bed where he rested his front on a pile of pillows so that he could be in a modified child’s position, stretching the offending muscles and ligaments slightly. Lucas lifted his shirt and pulled down his pants slightly to really be able to dig in, but he was too tired to care. He worked his fingers across the whole region, mixing getting at the knots with gentle caresses. When he knew that Cal was about to fall asleep he took him in his large arms and moved him, with a little assistance, so that he was tucked under the covers. Then, moving as quietly as he could, he took the pillows that Cal kept by the bed and arranged them around his body so that his hard work removing the tension wasn’t undone by sleeping unsupported. 

Even so, at 5am the next morning Lucas felt him stirring enough that he began to awaken. It was enough that he was going to ask if he was alright but Cal beat him to the punch. 

‘I never told him I was pregnant.’ 

‘mmm?’

He had been slightly awake for 5 minutes or so, but it was still a confusing conversation starter, and he thought for a moment that he was talking in his sleep. ‘Told who?’

‘Steve. I saw him several times whilst he was in a coma but I never said anything.’ 

‘What are you trying to say?’ He said, rolling over so that he was facing the same direction as Cal, instead of being back to back. Lucas had learned over their time together that with the difficulty Cal had with expressing his feelings, he would sometimes say things that he hoped would lead to a discussion. Of course, people weren’t mind readers and most of the time that didn’t happen, so as a gentle way of practicing opening up, Lucas had begun to ask him directly as opposed to explaining away what he was trying to express. 

‘The midwife asked me if I was holding onto something. That maybe the reason I hadn’t gone into labour yet was because I wasn’t ready or I was worried.’ Lucas stayed quiet, knowing he should only say something if asked, or needing to prompt him. ‘I don’t know why I never told him. I told you once that he said children were the greatest gift, at the same time that I told you he was sad he couldn’t be here to meet Forest.’ Lucas took his hand and ran his thumb over the knuckles, letting him know that it wasn’t something he held against him. ‘But it was the opposite. He thought they got in the way of being a true leader.’ 

It hurt in Lucas’ chest to know that the man Cal considered his father had felt that way. It hurt even more to hear how he said it, so cold and detached, as though he had barely considered the weight of what that meant. 

‘But I don’t think that’s why I didn’t say anything.’

That was what he was trying to say. 

‘What happened Cal?’

‘I…. don’t know. He gave me my home and protected me, and he’s maybe the only person I ever loved. But there’s something _wrong_.’ 

Lucas gently began massaging his shoulder, where he could see it had tensed. He wished he could see his face but he knew that laying on his back left himbreathless and it was a risky business him rolling over when he’d got comfortable. 

‘I think you should talk to someone.’ 

‘I’m talking to you.’ 

‘And I’m glad, but I am also shockingly unqualified. Maybe you didn’t say anything because of the way he felt, or maybe it’s something else. Either way, I can see how it eats at you.’

Cal sighed, ‘But I can’t say anything to anyone here about Steve. We’re called Meyerists for a reason.’ 

‘I mean a therapist.’ 

‘Luc-‘ He began. 

‘Wait! I know what you’re going to say, and I know we have other methods. I’m just saying that I think they might be able to help and you’d be able to talk to them freely.’

‘And if something bad comes out? I’ve been on the news now, and they’d probably recognise me. It’d just affirm everything they think about our ‘cult’.’ 

He sounded hurt at the suggestion and it was only natural that Cal would feel so wary of the outside world. Lucas understood it and had lived in it and it scared the living daylights out of him. He continued working on the knots in his back, trying to relieve some of the tension from what he knew was already a difficult conversation, with the potential to go south very quickly. 

‘There are bad people in every faith and none, darling. You don’t go around thinking every dane is evil because of what was done to me.’ 

‘Well I’ve had the benefit of meeting a great one, they won’t have the same with the movement.’ 

‘Are you discounting yourself?’ 

Cal didn’t answer this time and all his muscles contracted. In a moment of sheer terror Lucas thought that maybe he was having a contraction and leapt out of bed to kneel before his face. It was perhaps a bit of an overreaction, but he wouldn’t put it past his boyfriend to have been having them all day only mentioning it when he could no longer hold off. 

In the end it turned out he’d just unsuccessfully been trying to stop from crying. Lucas felt intensely guilty; he’d pushed too far, asked too much of his fragile little psyche. He tried so hard not to put on his kindergarten voice, but he found it exiting his mouth anyway. 

‘It’s ok, you’re alright sweetheart. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. I’ve just been reading and I’m worried about you. I don’t want you developing postpartum depression.’ 

He continued shushing and rubbing his arm as Cal tried to stop himself from crying, sobs coming out in hiccups. He sniffed hard, and wiped the snot away from his nose. 

‘Y-you’ve been r-reading?’ 

‘Of course I have, I love you remember.’ 

Cal leaned his neck forward and pulled Lucas into one of the least sexy, but most romantic kisses he’d ever had. 

‘Listen, we can talk about all this whenever you’re ready. The most important thing is that I’m glad you feel able to talk to me about this. I just want you to know that you and Forest are safe, even when he’s out here.’ He said before pressing a long, gentle kiss into his bump. 

‘Thank you.’ Cal whispered as he let Lucas’ head rest on his upper arm, pulling it into his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a feeling that letting go and being more open with Lucas might have move things along in the baby department.


	10. He's here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the title says!

The contractions started around noon. He wasn’t sure at first whether they were the real deal or not but as time went on they became more regular and started to require more of his attention. He’d expected he would be frightened but at 41+6 weeks he was ready for this to be over, and he knew he could handle more than he believed. It was a glorious day and he opted to sunbathe and listen to the sounds of the birds outside for the majority of it. He’d been nesting for a few weeks, and the house was pretty much ready. Anything else that needed doing could wait until Lucas got back. Since they hadn’t told anyone about their pairing he’d continued to volunteer and go about his days as normal. Cal liked having some time alone anyway, and neither of them wanted to overwhelm the other by always being around. He was glad when Lucas arrived back because he was beginning to need a bit of support. Since he didn’t have a TV they put on a record and Lucas started cooking. Cal helped as they were still about 10 minutes apart and he wanted a distraction. Most of them he could keep going through but when a particularly strong one came along he would lean over the counter and sway. By the time it was ready he wasn’t particularly hungry, but Lucas insisted that he try and get something in so he fed him as he bounced on the birth ball. 

They went about their evening like they always would, the only change being that Cal found it more comfortable to circle his hips on the ball than to sit on the couch. At one point he forgot how weak his abdominals had become and almost fell off it, sending Lucas into fits of laughter. 

‘You’re the one that’s going to be holding my hand later, and I have a pretty impressive grip.’ 

‘Oh, I know.’ 

He tried to hold it back for as long as he could, but soon he was giggling hysterically too. It wasn’t often that Lucas saw him laugh like that and it was such a lovely sound that even when it turned into Ow’s as another contraction washed over him, he didn’t regret causing it. 

They wandered around the area outside the house, watching as the sun got lower in the sky, but they weren’t fast by any measure. Forest’s head was now deeply engaged in his pelvis and Cal had commented once or twice on how it felt like if he sneezed, he might fall out. Lucas made sure not to tell him he’d said that before, taking it as a good sign that he was getting into active labour, and that he’d need to start calling people soon. 

He encouraged him to lay down and get some sleep around 11pm and went to let everyone know to be on alert. Apparently that took too long because soon Cal called out his name. 

‘Coming!’ 

Cal was laying on the bed on his side clutching at a pillow and pressing his face into it.

‘aaahhhhh.’ 

‘Well done Cal, don’t fight it.’ 

‘Oh, ooohhh, that one really hurt.’ He said, still smothering himself. ‘I need you here with me.’ 

‘Are you alright with me getting in behind you so you can sleep between them?’ 

‘Mmmm.’ 

Lucas curled up behind his sweaty partner, stretching his arm over him. He was comfortable like that, feeling held and safe, but eventually when he would have a contraction he needed to move. He would gently smack at Lucas’ arm and without saying anything they would move him so that he could get onto all fours and have his hips squeezed. Then silently they would roll back over and sleep for increasingly short periods of time. At about 3am got out of bed to wander around, insisting that Lucas stay right by his side in case he needed him. 

After one particularly strong contraction, that Lucas could see even in the dim light of the room, Cal started to panic. 

‘Lucas, they hurt so bad. What if I’m just 2cm or something. And my back feels worse than ever.’ 

‘Why don’t we get you in the shower and I’ll tell the midwives to come over.’ Lucas knew he could keep going but he was getting tired as well and could do with an extra hand. 

When they got to the bathroom he saw how soaked through Cal’s shirt was with sweat. He’d noticed earlier and offered to take it off but he’d shaken his head and mumbled something about being ‘too much’. Now he figured he might be able to try again with the incentive of warm water being able to reach his back better. When he nodded yes, he also raised his arms like a child, and together they got him naked and under the spray. 

He stayed there until the midwife and her second arrived and when he declined to come out so that she could check him, that proof enough for her that they needed to stay. 

‘I’ll get all my stuff set up in the living room and we’ll see if he’s ready then.’ She whispered to Lucas. 

‘I think we should get you dried off so that she can tell us where you’re at.’ 

‘No. One more.’ He said, almost like he was asking for 5 more minutes in bed. 

‘Alright sweetheart. Take your time.’ 

He stood rubbing his back as Cal leaned against the tiles but with the next one he turned around and flung his arms around Lucas’ neck, getting his top soaked. 

‘One’s coming Lucas, ah, ah, owwwwww.’ 

He put most of his weight on the taller man, the water on his face steaming up his glasses. 

‘Just when I think they can’t get any more painful they do.’ He said pulling back when it was over. ‘Oh god sorry, I didn’t mean to get you all wet.’ 

‘Don’t worry about it, you were pretty out of it.’ 

‘Yeah it’s weird, like I go somewhere else, and I just need to focus on easing the pain.’ 

‘Well now that you’re feeling more lucid are you ready to hop out and have the midwife look at you?’ 

‘I need to pee first.’ He said, rubbing circles into his big belly. 

At this the midwife appeared with a small jug, apparently having overheard that. 

‘We need to know that you aren’t dehydrated, sorry!’ 

——————————————————————————————————————————

It turned out that he was 7cm dilated and as predicted from the way he was walking, baby was low down in the birth canal. They put the music back on and began filling the birth pool while Lucas called Sarah so that she would be ready to do the blessing. 

She was somewhat confused to hear his voice, and it took him a minute to explain who he was because she hadn’t really seen him since he’d joined months ago. Cal heard the conversation and from his position on the couch he asked to talk to her. 

‘Hi Sarah… yeah that’s Lucas, he’s my boyfriend. Can you come, things are getting… hold on….’ He moved the phone away from his ear and moaned through the contraction, breathing no longer cutting it. Someone must have taken the phone from his palm and finished the call for him because when he opened his eyes it was gone. 

The midwives were sitting quietly on the floor, listening in every 15 minutes to a heartbeat that was found lower and lower on his belly. They gently reassured him through each contraction, allowing Lucas to be the closest to him, stroking his back and his arms, pressing a hot water bottle onto his hips. It really was a peaceful environment that Sarah entered into. 

Sometimes he would complain about the music choices, and sometimes he got scared, wailing and panting out that he couldn’t do it anymore, but mostly he coped extremely well. Things got quiet towards the end, just before he started to push, and as Lucas sat beside him giving him sips of water he closed his eyes so rest. 

‘He’s so low down now and he’s turned.’ He whispered, rubbing the bottom of his belly. ‘I’m so used to having his legs over on this side, it feels weird.’ 

‘That’s good, means we’re close.’ 

‘Yeah, I think I might want to start pushing soon.’ 

‘Well I’ll be right here when you feel it. Do you want to get in the water now?’ 

—————————————————————————————————————————

‘Oh god this feels amazing. I'm not heavy anymore.’ He moaned as he sank back to squat in the pool. ‘MMMmmmmm’ He almost grunted. The midwives looked at each other with a smile and one of them started to get things ready, opening the delivery pack and popping a headlamp on. 

‘That one sounded different Cal, are you bearing down?’ 

'I think so, it’s not really conscious but I think so.’ 

‘Good! Just keep doing that and we’ll listen in more often now.’ 

For almost an hour Cal went with his urges until he began to get dejected. ‘Lucas! It’s hurts so much and I’ve been going for so long. He should be here by now!’ 

‘He’s moving down, I promise you. On the next couple of contractions why don’t you give it your all, right down into your bottom, and we’ll see how much progress we make.’ 

‘But I _am_ giving it my all.’ He sobbed, head turning from side to side, clutching desperately at Lucas’ hand. ‘Can’t you just pull him out.’ 

‘I’m afraid not. I’m not worried at the moment, he’s coping really well, he just has to get around the curve of your pelvis. But if these next few don’t get us going we’ll see if it’s better out of the water.’ 

‘Come on elskar.’ Lucas whispered into his ear. ‘I know you can do this.’ 

And give it his all he did, directing all his energy towards that one goal, being completely unaware of time, only of people telling him how well he was doing and how close he was. 

Not too long after he began to feel burning and where previously he'd been quiet he shrieked and clenched his hand harder. 

'It's alright Cal, listen to me. Breathe like you're blowing out a candle and give me little pushes. Well done! That's his head born!' 

At that Lucas started tearing up and Cal could feel him trembling a bit, craning his neck so that he could see the little boy. 

'One more big push and then we'll have a baby.'

He felt a release and then was being told to reach out for his son who he pulled so that he rested on his chest. He was shellshocked as they rubbed his back with a towel to get him to cry for what seemed like forever, but it was the sweetest sound when it came. His hair was dark and curly, and pretty much all he could think was how purple he looked. While Lucas cried beside him he couldn't help but laugh with the sheer overwhelming force of his emotions. 

He looked up expectantly at Sarah, waiting for her to do the blessing, waiting for her to welcome him home. 

“Welcome, little one, to our world. You are whole and you are broken, just like the rest of us. We give thanks for your wholeness. And we work to heal your brokenness so that one day we will be all that you need us to be.”

He didn't care who saw when he leaned over to kiss Lucas and then to plant a kiss on Forest's head, he was just so happy, and he knew he could do this. 


	11. Epilogue

Lucas stayed with them every night now; normal progression of a relationship be damned. During the night he dealt with anything that wasn’t feeding and during the day he tried to pick up as much slack as possible. Sarah had taken over leadership of the community whilst Cal was on paternity leave but everyone knew he couldn’t do it for too long and they had made a plan to be joint Guardians of the Light. Forest was perfect, his cheeks fat and fingers tiny, with an easygoing disposition. Cal often spent hours laying with him on his chest, watching and chuckling as he crawled around and face planted into his chest when he was looking for food. He knew what made him happy and was always trying to preserve it. Some days Lucas had to calm him down by reminding him that he couldn’t always make Forest happy every minute of every day, and that being a good father was about trying your best. Cal knew that even though he wanted to go back to work, Forest would accompany him as much as possible. If not, Lucas was always happy to hold and spend time together, talking to him like he were a much older child, happy to share with him. 

Marcus had come to visit and after a few days of awkward interaction, he fell into the role of big brother better than anyone could have expected. Lucas heard him one night on the phone to his mother, telling her how he couldn’t wait to teach Forest how to play football. 

As Cal had promised he didn’t abandon Mary, and though he couldn’t do anything himself because of the baby, he spoke to Lucas about her situation and he was more than happy to help. One night the two of them went to her old caravan where her father lived. The official plan had been to take her there so that she could confront him, tell him what he had done to her, and hopefully in the process bring some closure. Cal knew, however, how deeply her story had affected his partner and he saw that same darkness in his eyes that had been there when Silas had arrived. He knew that he was going to demand an apology and if she didn’t get one Cal wouldn’t be surprised if the reunion wasn’t peaceful. He’d worried for a moment that this was all for them but when he’d suggested that to her, she almost looked mad that he would suggest they didn’t go through with it. He saw potential in her, that she could grow and achieve great things if they helped to show her that it was possible; like Lucas had done for him. When he snuck back into bed afterwards Cal was worried, needing to know if he’d been hurt. 

‘Are you ok? Did you…?’ 

‘She did everything. I was just there.’ Cal didn’t need to know what ‘everything’ meant, he was just glad that Lucas had come back to him unscathed and some justice had been served. 

‘Thank you.’ He purred, laying his arm over Lucas, and nuzzling against the chest hair there. 

Sure, not everything was perfect; they still needed to deal with the Steve situation, and Cal had had many a tough therapy session, and some even tougher flashbacks and nightmares, but things were getting better. He saw a clear path for the three of them together, and at night when he rolled over to look at their son in the co-sleeper he had to remind himself not to get too excited for the future, least he forget the now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! This is the longest thing I've ever written and most certainly will be one of the least popular (BECAUSE CAL NEEDS MORE LOVE) so I hope it's ok, or at the very least readable! Thanks to everyone on twitter who was so supportive and nice about it.


End file.
